Maine school board puts teacher on leave after she traveled to Dallas

The teacher, who has not been named, attended a conference 10 miles from the hospital where Ebola patients have received care.

Liberians, librarians,

Tea-Party libertarians.

Nigerians, Iberians,

Algerians, Siberians.

Dig a moat around your palace

To keep out anyone from Dallas

And drop the iron-barred portcullis

On anyone who passed through Dulles.

The Dalles, The Dales, Fort Worth or Plano

Deal with them as viral warlocks

Dip them in a vat of Clorox

Throw their clothes in a volcano.

And, at least for the duration,

Keep them under observation

From now until the crisis ends

Lock them up and all their friends.


The only thing we have to fear

Is fear itself. So don’t go near

An African, or a Hispanic

This might cause you needless panic.

Bear in mind a random stranger

Need not pose a mortal danger

If he’s kept in quarantine

And sprayed with hexachlorophene.

Nurses have to wash their hands

Every day. Use rubber bands

To keep your gloves from slipping off.

Use a tissue if you cough.

Make sure you tell your supervisor

If you’re bleeding from your eyes, or

If you start to sweat and shake.

Ask if you can go on break.

One way you can help control

Infection, if you find a hole

In a gown or sterile drape

Patch it with adhesive tape.

If you find you have to vomit

Make sure you clean it up with Comet.

Patients coming from Liberia

Cannot use the cafeteria

Between noon and two o’clock

Or if they’re in septic shock.

The gathering of 35,000 walrus on a beach in northwest Alaska this week after they couldn’t find their preferred resting grounds of summer sea ice was a notable occurrence in terms of its sheer size, but it wasn’t an isolated event. –news reports


When the floes beneath your flippers melt into the sea

And the icecap is receding out of reach

It forces you to contemplate your own mortality

And haul your blubber up onto the beach.


In Nature, unlike Wall Street, you can’t be too big to fail.

Its laws are such no animal can hope to ever beat them.

Death stalks every creature and grabs it by the tail

Just ask the woolly mammoth, or the guys that used to eat them.


Do you have a memory of how it was before

The climate changed and made your life a hell?

Do you dream of icebergs, while stranded on the shore?

And how exactly do you stand the smell?


Is there a walrus heaven that you go to when you die?

Somewhere way beyond the Bering Strait?

Do you hope to haul out on that iceberg in the sky

Where endless schools of cod and herring wait?


Oh, do not go gentle into that Arctic dusk

Six months from now will be another morning

Fight against extinction, tooth and nail and tusk

And hope your fellow mammals heed your warning.

WASHINGTON, November 28, 2009: — President Obama and his wife, Michelle, had a face-to-face encounter with the couple who sneaked into a state dinner at the White House this week, White House officials acknowledged on Friday. The revelation underscored the seriousness of the security breach and prompted an abject apology from the Secret Service.

I have the honor to present
To you, Mr. President—
This fellow standing over here…
Oops, he went to get a beer.
Well anyway, when he comes back
I think his name is Joe, or Jack.
I have it in my other ‘Berry.
But this next couple’s very, very
Famous. He’s a movie star.
My kids could tell you who they are.
And here is Madame—wait a sec,
I’m looking for her background check.
She came with one of those two guys—
The bald one has a Nobel Prize.
The other, with the cummerbund,
Runs some bank or mutual fund.
The tall guy with the long gray beard
Looks familiar—gee, that’s weird.
He’s wearing sandals and a turban.
He spit into that woman’s bourbon.
That kind of thing could make you nervous.
If you didn’t trust the Secret Service.


You’re probably familiar with the popular image of the United Nations, especially among American conservatives: an ineffectual bureaucracy where representatives of tiny countries drone on about their grievances while bored diplomats adjust their tie clips. Well, sometimes conservatives aren’t totally wrong.–

The ocean tide is rising like a water-borne insurgency

The climate’s a catastrophe, a crisis and emergency

And global leaders rush to show they understand the urgency

The time for speeches long is past! We need to start commissions!

Headed up by movie stars and leading politicians

Corporate executives and big-name rock musicians!

To choose a new committee that will nominate a board

To name a special panel that will move the process toward

Reaching an agreement that will lead to an accord

On listing all the options for developing a policy

Toward funding new approaches based on cutting-edge psychology

For programs to encourage teaching kids about ecology.

(And somewhere in the universe, a star is giving birth

To a planet, in three billion years, that might resemble Earth.

Where life, if it is lucky, will recognize its worth.)

Weak of knee and limp of spine,

America, in sad decline,

Scared it might provoke a pushback,

Doesn’t dare to move its tush back

And make its seat recline.


Scrunched and curled up like a comma

Or a drawing in the Kama

Sutra, buckled in and nestled

In its seat, completely pretzeled,

All thanks to Barack Obama


He wants America to squeeze

In Belgium’s seat, and bend its knees

Up to its chest, and never ever

Touch the seat-recliner lever

Without saying please.


But Putin is a different sort

Nasty, brutish, also short.

Unafraid of causing pain

To the kneecaps of Ukraine.

Protecting with malignity

His national supinity

Try taking him to court!


If Putin or if Netanyahu

Ted Cruz or some other yahoo

Ran the country, we’d be able

To drop down our seat-back table

And lean way back and crush the pants

Of China, Germany and France.

Ripped from the headlines, the news from Newsverse:

Humanity’s progress has gone in reverse.

As bad as things are, they can only get worse.

We’ve analyzed data with methods statistical

Consulted with oracles, ancient and mystical

Compiling our Newsverse Anxiety Listicle:

Inflation, deflation, the interest-rate spread–

Whatever that is–there’s a risk that the Fed

Might keep it too low, or raise it instead.

Droughts from Los Angeles halfway to Texas

Floods in Ohio and polar vortexes.

Freezing us down to our solar perplexus.

You’re searching for truth but you live in a buyer’s

Market for lies in a world filled with liars

Hypocrites, sellouts and climate deniers.

Film at 11 of Cops Dumb and Dumber

It’s never too late for a long and hot summer.

Stuck like a record on some old Victrola:

Israel and Gaza. The Ukraine. Ebola.

Whosis and Whatsis and ISIS and dreading

Ritual stoning and death by beheading.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.