A wily coyote led NYPD officers on an hours-long chase on the Upper West Side Wednesday after multiple people called to report sightings of the animal near West 87th Street, then 30-some blocks away and finally in Riverside Park before police contained it near Grant’s Tomb, authorities said.

Oh bury me not on the Upper West Side

Where Akitas poop and coyotes hide

And little old ladies with NPR bags

Ride the 104 bus to Gristedes and d’Ags.

Lay me to rest in the gathering dark

Where my soul needn’t circle for hours to park

And let not my bed for that cold endless night

Be covered with menus from Szechuan Delight.

.

Dig me a grave, when my time shall arrive

Far from the joggers on Riverside Drive

The strollers, the bikers, the tai-chi devotees

Raccoons and pigeons and rats and coyotes.

 

 

Mais ou sont les neiges d’antan?

They long ago melted and ran

Down to the golf courses, onto the fields

Helping sustain unsustainable yields

Of legumes and vin rouge and pain.

.

Water, they say in the West,

Runs uphill to money. The rest

Will have to make do with what trickles down

The aqueduct. You are fucked, Governor Brown.

Better forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown.

.

Who knew the fate of a nation

Depends so much on irrigation.

Now parts of the Valley look just like Sudan.

Mais ou sont le snowpack d’antan?

Sucked dry by the hubris of Man.

No pizza for you! God says you can’t sell a

Pie with tomato sauce and mozzarella,

Cater a dinner, sit-down or buffet

Of chicken marsala or salmon filet,

Make floral arrangements or bridal bouquets

If it’s promoting the lifestyle of gays.

.

No pizza for you! It’s not that I hate you,

It’s just I’m revolted when I contemplate you

Doing whatever it is that you do.

If I wanted to see it, I’d go to the zoo.

.

No pizza for you! I will hide the salami

Before I will serve it to “Joey and Tommy”

Amelia, Ophelia, or David and Tony

Won’t get to bite down on my pepperoni.

.

No pizza for you! You see my religion

Draws a distinction, upholds a division

Between marriage that’s holy and loving and trusting

And everything else, which is just plain disgusting.

.

Yes I’m a believer in live and let live

The Bible commands us, be humble, forgive

But a wedding requires and groom and a bride

Yours isn’t the sin for which Jesus Christ died.

On Saturday, the Somalia-based terrorist group Al Shabaab released a video calling for attacks on Bloomington, Minnesota’s Mall of America and other shopping centers,–News reports

I pledge allegiance to the Mall

Of America! Far may it sprawl

To Canada, and to Nebraska

And on to Kansas and Alaska!

Its Stars and Stripes in glory waving

O’er the boundless plains of paving,

Divided into parking spots

Across a hundred parking lots

Whose access roads and fences trace

A region visible from space.

Each fountain and each potted tree

Proclaims our love of liberty

And in the food court, each French fry

And ice cream cone helps us defy

Terrorists who’d dare attack

A Dairy Queen or Radio Shack.

Let not any foreign tyrants

Come between us and Lane Bryants

Or any rifle-toting nut

Wreak mayhem on a Sunglass Hut,

Marshall’s, Hallmark, Cinnabon,

Gap, Forever 21,

Crocs or Coldstone Creamery

Disney Store or Gymboree.

And so take heed, you ISIS rabble

Spouting off your al-Shabaabble

As long as we can still afford some

Handbags, belts and shoes from Nordstrom

All your threats are never stopping

Americans from going shopping.

US hosts anti-extremism summit after global terror attacks–BBC News

Listen up, you terrorniks

Before you kill more Coptics

Here’s a way that you can fix

Your image and your optics.

.

The thing about your caliphate

It’s kind of problematical:

Each time you decapitate

It makes you seem fanatical

.

Like creatures from another age

Or from a scary dream.

Burning people in a cage

Just makes you look extreme.

.

So if you have a captive

You’re tempted to behead

Try to be adaptive

And torture them instead.

.

Don’t make that neck incision

Just beat them black and blue

Make fun of their religion

It’s what we Christians do.

.

We always show compassion

‘Cause we’ll be judged by God

And knives are so old-fashioned.

We use a cattle prod.

.

So don’t give in to evil

Just put away that sword

It looks so medieval

Go get a waterboard.

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) argued this week that restaurants should be able to “opt out” of health department regulations that require employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom.–Raw Story 

The Founding Fathers never washed their hands before they ate

‘Cause they believed in liberty, and not a nanny state

Protecting us from every little virus on our plate.

Big Brother at the urinal! A second Watergate!

Ronald Reagan knew that nothing in the Constitution

Gives Washington the power to compel us to ablution.

I’m proud that I’m American, and not from North Korea,

‘Cause here we’re free to choose the risk of getting diarrhea,

Dysentery, cholera, E. coli, salmonella

Chicken pox and polio, and did I say, rubella?

So let’s impeach Obama for the way he lies and weasels

To try and keep our kids from getting whooping cough and measles

We need a special prosecutor! Let’s seize the opportunity

To get the sordid facts out through a grant of herd immunity.

Yes I’m a vaccine truther and a bathroom-washing skeptic

And I deserve respect and just a squirt of antiseptic.

And if I see Chris Christie or Senator Rand Paul

Coming up to greet me as they leave a men’s room stall

I’d pat them on the back and trust that they will understand

If I run the other way if they try to shake my hand.

“[M]y point is, God’s still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous”–James Inhofe, (R-Oklahoma) chairman of the Senate Environmental and Public Works Committee.

It’s good to know the climate

Is in the hands of God

Whose will no lowly primate

Can override roughshod.

.

The tides that lap and slowly steal

Higher up each beach and fjord

Recede again, just to reveal

The carbon footprint of the Lord.

.

His fingers on the cosmic dial

He twiddles as He pleases

He can bake Manhattan Isle

While Staten Island freezes.

.
The Bible is imparting

Words to guide the wise:

That all your cattle farting

Are nothing in His eyes.

.

You can’t get to Heaven on renewables

Faith alone makes all your Teslas run

Wind and solar power will be screwables

If He decides to just turn off the Sun.

.

Mankind and its stubborn faith in science

Will never keep apocalypse at bay

God demands of us complete compliance

The way to fix the climate is to pray.

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