On Saturday, the Somalia-based terrorist group Al Shabaab released a video calling for attacks on Bloomington, Minnesota’s Mall of America and other shopping centers,–News reports

I pledge allegiance to the Mall

Of America! Far may it sprawl

To Canada, and to Nebraska

And on to Kansas and Alaska!

Its Stars and Stripes in glory waving

O’er the boundless plains of paving,

Divided into parking spots

Across a hundred parking lots

Whose access roads and fences trace

A region visible from space.

Each fountain and each potted tree

Proclaims our love of liberty

And in the food court, each French fry

And ice cream cone helps us defy

Terrorists who’d dare attack

A Dairy Queen or Radio Shack.

Let not any foreign tyrants

Come between us and Lane Bryants

Or any rifle-toting nut

Wreak mayhem on a Sunglass Hut,

Marshall’s, Hallmark, Cinnabon,

Gap, Forever 21,

Crocs or Coldstone Creamery

Disney Store or Gymboree.

And so take heed, you ISIS rabble

Spouting off your al-Shabaabble

As long as we can still afford some

Handbags, belts and shoes from Nordstrom

All your threats are never stopping

Americans from going shopping.

US hosts anti-extremism summit after global terror attacks–BBC News

Listen up, you terrorniks

Before you kill more Coptics

Here’s a way that you can fix

Your image and your optics.


The thing about your caliphate

It’s kind of problematical:

Each time you decapitate

It makes you seem fanatical


Like creatures from another age

Or from a scary dream.

Burning people in a cage

Just makes you look extreme.


So if you have a captive

You’re tempted to behead

Try to be adaptive

And torture them instead.


Don’t make that neck incision

Just beat them black and blue

Make fun of their religion

It’s what we Christians do.


We always show compassion

‘Cause we’ll be judged by God

And knives are so old-fashioned.

We use a cattle prod.


So don’t give in to evil

Just put away that sword

It looks so medieval

Go get a waterboard.

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) argued this week that restaurants should be able to “opt out” of health department regulations that require employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom.–Raw Story 

The Founding Fathers never washed their hands before they ate

‘Cause they believed in liberty, and not a nanny state

Protecting us from every little virus on our plate.

Big Brother at the urinal! A second Watergate!

Ronald Reagan knew that nothing in the Constitution

Gives Washington the power to compel us to ablution.

I’m proud that I’m American, and not from North Korea,

‘Cause here we’re free to choose the risk of getting diarrhea,

Dysentery, cholera, E. coli, salmonella

Chicken pox and polio, and did I say, rubella?

So let’s impeach Obama for the way he lies and weasels

To try and keep our kids from getting whooping cough and measles

We need a special prosecutor! Let’s seize the opportunity

To get the sordid facts out through a grant of herd immunity.

Yes I’m a vaccine truther and a bathroom-washing skeptic

And I deserve respect and just a squirt of antiseptic.

And if I see Chris Christie or Senator Rand Paul

Coming up to greet me as they leave a men’s room stall

I’d pat them on the back and trust that they will understand

If I run the other way if they try to shake my hand.

“[M]y point is, God’s still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous”–James Inhofe, (R-Oklahoma) chairman of the Senate Environmental and Public Works Committee.

It’s good to know the climate

Is in the hands of God

Whose will no lowly primate

Can override roughshod.


The tides that lap and slowly steal

Higher up each beach and fjord

Recede again, just to reveal

The carbon footprint of the Lord.


His fingers on the cosmic dial

He twiddles as He pleases

He can bake Manhattan Isle

While Staten Island freezes.

The Bible is imparting

Words to guide the wise:

That all your cattle farting

Are nothing in His eyes.


You can’t get to Heaven on renewables

Faith alone makes all your Teslas run

Wind and solar power will be screwables

If He decides to just turn off the Sun.


Mankind and its stubborn faith in science

Will never keep apocalypse at bay

God demands of us complete compliance

The way to fix the climate is to pray.

At Newsverse we treat every creed

With utter sensitivity

We don’t make fun of Jews for greed

Or Quakers for passivity.


Newsverse wouldn’t mock or jeer

A Satanist or Druid

We hold all religions dear

Even if they’re stupid.


Faith gives the weary soul relief:

The explanation for men’s

Suspension of their disbelief.

We’re looking at you, Mormons.


Go ahead and teach your kid

That God is in the bread.

Just be careful, God forbid,

That you might bite His head.


Dance a sacred harvest dance

To your totem or kachina.

You can pray to elephants

Or some deus ex machina


Or go and worship, if you wish

The trees, the Moon, the Sun

The monkey god, the sacred fish,

Thor or Zeus or Kim Jong-un.


Newsverse honors all those gods

Along with all the others

And never wants to be at odds

With our Islamic brothers.


So join hands for this Newsverse hymn:

God keep us from impurity!

The Prophet, peace be unto him!

We’re beefing up security.

Now, its orbit nearly done,

This lonely third rock from the Sun,

Spinning on its frozen ass

Around the center of its mass,

Approaches, in the Nick of time,

The Newsverse Year-End Christmas rhyme.

Give all who ride this sorry sphere

Popcorn, silly hats and beer.

And with a soulful Yuletide chorus

Usher out 12 months of tsuris.

If you’ve had enough of death,

Put your hands down, take a breath,

Follow what the Buddha said:

Keep your cool and keep your head.

For which, it seems, the best advice is

Don’t go near Iraq or ISIS.


Let all bygones bygones be

And underneath the Christmas tree

Leave a puppy or a pony

For our friends who toil at Sony.

Let spirits soar and voices lift

For Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift,

Janet Yellen, Derek Jeter,

And the Vicar of St. Peter.

Let wine pour like summer rain

In the glasses of Ukraine

And send those Russian oligarchs

Floating off aboard their arks.


Serve caviar from Russ & Daughters

To a Doctor Without Borders,

Keeping him just out of reach,

Toast him with a glass of bleach.

Join up at a Cuban gastro-

Pub for beers with  Raul Castro.


And here’s a fun game we can play:

Taliban and CIA!

You play it on a waterboard,

And when the answers all are scored

It doesn’t matter what you said

We keep on playing ‘till you’re dead.

To those who ask us to eschew it:

It isn’t torture when we do it!

So raise a glass to our great nation!

Pour Dick Cheney a libation

Via rectal rehydration.


And mark these words of Tiny Tim’s–

God bless us everyone! The Kims:

Dotcom, Kardashian, Jong-un.

He looks like he could use some fun.

It would be a joke to dare

To set fire to his hair.

Or sit him down on his commode

And make him watch his head explode.

Officer, you’re very right

I almost ran that traffic light

I drank a beer out on my stoop

I didn’t pick up my dog’s poop

I never should have put my feet

On that empty subway seat.

You are quite correct to point out

You saw me when I threw that joint out.

But your arm’s around my throat.

May I request that you take note:

I can’t breathe.


Major, I confess it all

I joined al-Qaeda’s basketball

Team with Khalid sheikh Mohammed

They called me Atomic Ahmed.

By the precepts of Shariah,

With the help of North Korea,

During practices we planned

To plant bombs in Disneyland,

Tulsa, Phoenix and Chicago,

Jersey City, Tampa, Fargo.

Smuggle in Ebola virus

Kidnap Sting and Miley Cyrus

Behead them live on Morning Joe.

Now I’ve told you all I know

Is it safe for me to go?

You have helped me see the error

Of my ways in spreading terror.

I don’t expect a big reward

But tied down to this waterboard

I can’t breathe.


Doctor, help me, I can’t sleep

The world’s a moral rubbish heap

Life is just a long sick joke.

I try to laugh. Instead I choke.

And I can’t breathe.


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