Bristol Palin, 24, who was paid more than $250,000 as a spokeswoman for abstinence education, announced she is pregnant. Palin, the daughter of Sarah Palin, gave birth to a son when she was in high school.  She has never been married.

The body is sacred and holy

So I’ve been taught to believe

Abstinence works, although slowly,

If you don’t want to conceive.

.

God doesn’t hold with impurity

He made contraception complex

To show that the only security

Is just saying no-no to sex.

.

Abstinence only avails you

I read it here on Wikipedia

And Mom says if it ever fails you

It must be the fault of the media.

.

Sometimes it takes years of trying

The days stretching out to infinity

But one day, before I am dying,

I hope I can master virginity.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Robert McDonnell, do hereby recognize April 2010 as CONFEDERATE HISTORY MONTH in our COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA, and I call this observance to the attention of all our
citizens—Proclamation by Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell.

Now I don’t know what country Bob McDonnell thinks he’s from.
The one that I was born in fought, in 1861,
A war for its survival, when Virginia tried to bolt.
And only barely won it, thanks to Grant and Samuel Colt.

I’m sure that Bob McDonnell is a patriotic sort
Who wouldn’t ever be accused of wanting to consort
With enemies who hate us and our sacred way of living
No terrorist should count on Bob McDonnell for forgiving.
Except, of course, for those who fought, away back in the day
In service of secession and against the USA.

Now I’m not one for waving flags, but can we set some ground rules?
It isn’t love of country that’s the last refuge of scoundrels.

It’s sentimental longing for a mythic past of bravery
(Careful to avoid the part that has to do with slavery.)
And those who don’t remember what their history has taught

Are out of luck, but better off than those forever caught
In daydreams of a long-lost world, with solemn invocations
Of ante-bellum life among the planters and plantations.

In New York where I come from we don’t cotton up to traitors
They get overcharged in restaurants and patronized by waiters
We shove them in the subways, elbow them in elevators
And drop them in the sewers to be eaten by the gators.

We’re patriot progressives, Yankee Doodle city slickers
And if we had a pickup truck, the bumpers would have stickers
With rifles, flags and Uncle Sam, and a Day-Glo “U.S.A.:
You Love It or You Leave It or Let’s Talk It Out, Okay?”

But I guess the rules are different where the kudzu casts its shade
And fighting your own countrymen can get you a parade
But all the rebel statuary doesn’t change the score:
Virginia, there’s no Santa Claus.  The South has lost the war.

Hi there, folks, I’m Donald, but call me Mr. Trump

I’m sorry but I have to say your living room’s a dump.

I’ve never seen a place so filled with sad pathetic losers

I’m sure you’d rather move away, but beggars can’t be choosers.

So I come in all humility, to ask you for your vote

And show you these nice pictures of my airplane and my boat.

And thank you all for coming here to listen to my pitch:

I’m really, really, really, really, really, really rich.

I say this not to boast or brag, but I’m a trillionaire.

I am the biggest TV star that ever went on air.

More popular than Churchill, and smarter than Voltaire.

And just in case you’re wondering, this really is my hair.

In government, like real estate, and jewelry, shirts and ties

The Trump brand stands for quality, a name that signifies

You’re going with a winner and you’d like a better life

A Rolex and a limo and a sexy young third wife.

And as for the Islamic State, I have a secret plan

To put them out of business, because I’m a businessman.

And I’ll stand up to China, North Korea and Iran

Italy and Canada, Australia and Japan!

I promise that as president, I’d keep out all Latinos

Except the ones who change the sheets and vacuum my casinos.

And so I’d like to thank you all, and trust you’ll understand

You’re not the kind of people I’d allow to shake my hand.

“I’m saying, what should the pope use his moral authority for?” Santorum asked. “I think there are more pressing problems confronting the earth than climate change.”

.

The issues facing man today are numerous and varied

But when it comes to climate change, let’s not all get carried

Away. It’s more important stopping gays from getting married.

.

The liberals blow hurricanes up out of all proportion

And science is another word for media distortion

The Earth is not worth saving, only babies from abortion.

.

Jesus didn’t come to Earth to save the polar bear.

He came to save mankind from sin, and from Obamacare.

And all endangered species aren’t worth one billionaire.

.

So if the end is coming, then look into your soul

God doesn’t want no sinners who support the War on Coal

And if the sea is rising, it’s God who has our backs

He alone can save us, and not a carbon tax.

.

His mercy droppeth from the sky, like petals from a flower.

He calls each man to Heaven, though we knoweth not the hour.

But the road that leads to Hell is lit by solar power.

.

Seymour Hersh, the Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist who revealed the My Lai massacre during the Vietnam War and helped expose the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal during the Iraq War, wrote in a bombshell article published Sunday that the Obama administration lied about details surrounding the Navy SEALs raid that killed Osama bin Laden.–Huffington Post

In the sky, a fleet of drones,

Controlled from inside Skull and Bones

Flew across the Afghan border.

The air force of the New World Order,

Official language: Esperanto,

Bought and paid for by Monsanto,

Fronting for the Ford Foundation,

To hide the truth on vaccination

Backed with bonds from Morgan Stanley.

Obama, trying to seem manly,

Greenlighted the CIA

Hand in hand with Opus Dei,

To take out the ayatollah

With missiles loaded with ebola

And plans inside a secret folder

To destroy – with Eric Holder

Standing by as an observer–

The State Department’s email server.

 .

Osama lying in his bed

Heard the choppers overhead

Captive of his own mystique

Went to take a Wikileak.

Or was he spotted on a stroll

Somewhere on the Grassy Knoll?

Asking truckers, Going my way

On the NAFTA Superhighway?

What happened to him wasn’t pretty.

Howard Hunt and Gordon Liddy

Did it with polonium.

He’s buried in Area 51.

A wily coyote led NYPD officers on an hours-long chase on the Upper West Side Wednesday after multiple people called to report sightings of the animal near West 87th Street, then 30-some blocks away and finally in Riverside Park before police contained it near Grant’s Tomb, authorities said.

Oh bury me not on the Upper West Side

Where Akitas poop and coyotes hide

And little old ladies with NPR bags

Ride the 104 bus to Gristedes and d’Ags.

Lay me to rest in the gathering dark

Where my soul needn’t circle for hours to park

And let not my bed for that cold endless night

Be covered with menus from Szechuan Delight.

.

Dig me a grave, when my time shall arrive

Far from the joggers on Riverside Drive

The strollers, the bikers, the tai-chi devotees

Raccoons and pigeons and rats and coyotes.

 

 

Mais ou sont les neiges d’antan?

They long ago melted and ran

Down to the golf courses, onto the fields

Helping sustain unsustainable yields

Of legumes and vin rouge and pain.

.

Water, they say in the West,

Runs uphill to money. The rest

Will have to make do with what trickles down

The aqueduct. You are fucked, Governor Brown.

Better forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown.

.

Who knew the fate of a nation

Depends so much on irrigation.

Now parts of the Valley look just like Sudan.

Mais ou sont le snowpack d’antan?

Sucked dry by the hubris of Man.

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