John Boehner Resigns as Speaker, Will Leave Congress

Who just did that nice half-gainer

Off the plank? Why, it’s John Boehner!

World-class crier and complainer

Did he foresee some entertainer-


Would suck the party down the strainer?

Anyway, it’s a no-brainer

Who follows him–could not be plainer–

Will be someone way insaner.

After great pain, a formal feeling comes,” although

I’m not sure how one would ever know.

Pain does not wear away with time

Evaporate, or (like dry ice) sublime,

It diffuses, like water poured in wine,

Inseparable, each molecule of time

Bound to an atom of sadness.


There is no after, there is only before.

And what is now and forevermore:

A life diluted by grief.


Suffering doesn’t make you strong.

It is only and ever in vain.

But it’s not entirely wrong

To think a certain acquaintance with pain

Is a useful attribute–nothing more–

A certain familiarity with grief

Can’t be bad for a commander in chief

With the power to start a war.

William McKinley–

Remembered, if dimly,

For the Spanish-American War–

Mouth clamped shut primly

Frowns darkly and grimly

‘cause his mountain’s not there anymore.


We looked, and by golly,

Up in Seward’s folly

We found a big space on the map.

In a landscape by Dali,

What’s now called “Denali,”

Fills a McKinley-sized gap.


While back in Ohio

The question is whio

Their presidents all get the shaft

After they dio

They get a black io

Like Garfield and Harding and Taft.


It’s not such a mystery

The judgment of history

The principle’s simple and basic.

Somehow democracy

Resists mediocrity.

Are you listening, Governor Kasich?

The Bible’s my number-one favorite

I read it each day and I savor it

Even if sometimes it’s slow.


And God’s unbelievable!

All things are achievable

With faith, and without Mexico.


And Jesus: the guy is fantastic!

He heals every dummy and spastic

Takes water and makes it Bordeaux.


The Bible’s amazing!

The language! The phrasing!

I wrote it, so I ought to know.

Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses here illegally:

I’ll throw them right back out the Golden Door

And drop their anchor babies in the sea.

America’s in trouble ‘cause it coddles

All the criminales in the mondo

We should only let in fashion models

And folks who can afford to buy a condo.

Good fences make–you know the rest,

As Fox News has reported–

Good neighbors. And the one that’s best

Is the neighbor who’s deported.

Kick out every thug and desperado

I’m all about America: The Brand!

I wouldn’t even eat an avocado

If it came across the Rio Grande

So vote for me to make this country great again!

Kick all those loser countries in the balls!

Greatness has to start with fear and hate, and then,

We can all be safe inside our walls.

As the marsh hen builds on the watery sod

I will build me a nest on the greatness of God:

A bungalow, saltbox, or maybe Cape Cod,

If I get a mortgage approved under Dodd-


Let me thank

God in advance,

For any advice he can give on finance,

And for the patience, the strength and endurance

To deal with the taxes and flood-zone insurance

And trust in his goodness to keep far away

The waters of Long Island Sound and the bay

Deer ticks, mosquitoes and all insect vectors

Of Lyme disease, West Nile and other infectors

And hope he will reach down and throttle my throat

If I even think about buying a boat.

Ten men in suits all in a line, a bunch, a crowd, a clump

Standing side by side and cheek by jowl and rump to rump

Preparing for the hoops through which Fox News will make them jump.

And who will be the winner? I really wish I knew.

They’re sharpening the talking points they practiced on the stump

Obama is a socialist, and Hillary’s a frump

And all of their opponents are as dumb as Forrest Gump

And poor and short and fat and ugly too.

And one will get the trophy and the reputation bump

While all the others slink and sulk, their polling numberds slump

Nine of them are losers when the winner plays his trump.

Can anyone out there predict who’s who?


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