I pledge allegiance to the Mall
Of America! Far may it sprawl
To Canada, and to Nebraska
And on to Kansas and Alaska!
Its Stars and Stripes in glory waving
O’er the boundless plains of paving,
Divided into parking spots
Across a hundred parking lots
Whose access roads and fences trace
A region visible from space.
Each fountain and each potted tree
Proclaims our love of liberty
And in the food court, each French fry
And ice cream cone helps us defy
Terrorists who’d dare attack
A Dairy Queen or Radio Shack.
Let not any foreign tyrants
Come between us and Lane Bryants
Or any rifle-toting nut
Wreak mayhem on a Sunglass Hut,
Marshall’s, Hallmark, Cinnabon,
Gap, Forever 21,
Crocs or Coldstone Creamery
Disney Store or Gymboree.
And so take heed, you ISIS rabble
Spouting off your al-Shabaabble
As long as we can still afford some
Handbags, belts and shoes from Nordstrom
All your threats are never stopping
Americans from going shopping.