At Newsverse we treat every creed

With utter sensitivity

We don’t make fun of Jews for greed

Or Quakers for passivity.

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Newsverse wouldn’t mock or jeer

A Satanist or Druid

We hold all religions dear

Even if they’re stupid.

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Faith gives the weary soul relief:

The explanation for men’s

Suspension of their disbelief.

We’re looking at you, Mormons.

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Go ahead and teach your kid

That God is in the bread.

Just be careful, God forbid,

That you might bite His head.

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Dance a sacred harvest dance

To your totem or kachina.

You can pray to elephants

Or some deus ex machina

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Or go and worship, if you wish

The trees, the Moon, the Sun

The monkey god, the sacred fish,

Thor or Zeus or Kim Jong-un.

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Newsverse honors all those gods

Along with all the others

And never wants to be at odds

With our Islamic brothers.

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So join hands for this Newsverse hymn:

God keep us from impurity!

The Prophet, peace be unto him!

We’re beefing up security.

Now, its orbit nearly done,

This lonely third rock from the Sun,

Spinning on its frozen ass

Around the center of its mass,

Approaches, in the Nick of time,

The Newsverse Year-End Christmas rhyme.

Give all who ride this sorry sphere

Popcorn, silly hats and beer.

And with a soulful Yuletide chorus

Usher out 12 months of tsuris.

If you’ve had enough of death,

Put your hands down, take a breath,

Follow what the Buddha said:

Keep your cool and keep your head.

For which, it seems, the best advice is

Don’t go near Iraq or ISIS.

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Let all bygones bygones be

And underneath the Christmas tree

Leave a puppy or a pony

For our friends who toil at Sony.

Let spirits soar and voices lift

For Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift,

Janet Yellen, Derek Jeter,

And the Vicar of St. Peter.

Let wine pour like summer rain

In the glasses of Ukraine

And send those Russian oligarchs

Floating off aboard their arks.

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Serve caviar from Russ & Daughters

To a Doctor Without Borders,

Keeping him just out of reach,

Toast him with a glass of bleach.

Join up at a Cuban gastro-

Pub for beers with  Raul Castro.

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And here’s a fun game we can play:

Taliban and CIA!

You play it on a waterboard,

And when the answers all are scored

It doesn’t matter what you said

We keep on playing ‘till you’re dead.

To those who ask us to eschew it:

It isn’t torture when we do it!

So raise a glass to our great nation!

Pour Dick Cheney a libation

Via rectal rehydration.

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And mark these words of Tiny Tim’s–

God bless us everyone! The Kims:

Dotcom, Kardashian, Jong-un.

He looks like he could use some fun.

It would be a joke to dare

To set fire to his hair.

Or sit him down on his commode

And make him watch his head explode.

Officer, you’re very right

I almost ran that traffic light

I drank a beer out on my stoop

I didn’t pick up my dog’s poop

I never should have put my feet

On that empty subway seat.

You are quite correct to point out

You saw me when I threw that joint out.

But your arm’s around my throat.

May I request that you take note:

I can’t breathe.

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Major, I confess it all

I joined al-Qaeda’s basketball

Team with Khalid sheikh Mohammed

They called me Atomic Ahmed.

By the precepts of Shariah,

With the help of North Korea,

During practices we planned

To plant bombs in Disneyland,

Tulsa, Phoenix and Chicago,

Jersey City, Tampa, Fargo.

Smuggle in Ebola virus

Kidnap Sting and Miley Cyrus

Behead them live on Morning Joe.

Now I’ve told you all I know

Is it safe for me to go?

You have helped me see the error

Of my ways in spreading terror.

I don’t expect a big reward

But tied down to this waterboard

I can’t breathe.

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Doctor, help me, I can’t sleep

The world’s a moral rubbish heap

Life is just a long sick joke.

I try to laugh. Instead I choke.

And I can’t breathe.

You’d better watch out

You’d better not cry

You’d better not pout

I’m telling you why–

Santa Claus is coming to town!

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Try to smile, you little creep,

Santa turns you into sheep,

Even if your life is crappy

Best to look like you are happy

In his unforgiving eye.

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Santa never asks you why

You might feel the urge to cry

No lollipop or candy cane

Can ease your existential pain.

Is it because you’ll die?

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Born beneath an ozone hole

The world is one big lump of coal

All its promises are phoney

You dig and dig, but there’s no pony.

Or reindeer in the sky.

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Life is nasty, short and hard

But don’t go quoting Kierkegaard

On the sadness of it all

To the fellow at the mall

He’ll swat you like a fly.

Maine school board puts teacher on leave after she traveled to Dallas

The teacher, who has not been named, attended a conference 10 miles from the hospital where Ebola patients have received care.

Liberians, librarians,

Tea-Party libertarians.

Nigerians, Iberians,

Algerians, Siberians.

Dig a moat around your palace

To keep out anyone from Dallas

And drop the iron-barred portcullis

On anyone who passed through Dulles.

The Dalles, The Dales, Fort Worth or Plano

Deal with them as viral warlocks

Dip them in a vat of Clorox

Throw their clothes in a volcano.

And, at least for the duration,

Keep them under observation

From now until the crisis ends

Lock them up and all their friends.

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The only thing we have to fear

Is fear itself. So don’t go near

An African, or a Hispanic

This might cause you needless panic.

Bear in mind a random stranger

Need not pose a mortal danger

If he’s kept in quarantine

And sprayed with hexachlorophene.

Nurses have to wash their hands

Every day. Use rubber bands

To keep your gloves from slipping off.

Use a tissue if you cough.

Make sure you tell your supervisor

If you’re bleeding from your eyes, or

If you start to sweat and shake.

Ask if you can go on break.

One way you can help control

Infection, if you find a hole

In a gown or sterile drape

Patch it with adhesive tape.

If you find you have to vomit

Make sure you clean it up with Comet.

Patients coming from Liberia

Cannot use the cafeteria

Between noon and two o’clock

Or if they’re in septic shock.

The gathering of 35,000 walrus on a beach in northwest Alaska this week after they couldn’t find their preferred resting grounds of summer sea ice was a notable occurrence in terms of its sheer size, but it wasn’t an isolated event. –news reports

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When the floes beneath your flippers melt into the sea

And the icecap is receding out of reach

It forces you to contemplate your own mortality

And haul your blubber up onto the beach.

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In Nature, unlike Wall Street, you can’t be too big to fail.

Its laws are such no animal can hope to ever beat them.

Death stalks every creature and grabs it by the tail

Just ask the woolly mammoth, or the guys that used to eat them.

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Do you have a memory of how it was before

The climate changed and made your life a hell?

Do you dream of icebergs, while stranded on the shore?

And how exactly do you stand the smell?

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Is there a walrus heaven that you go to when you die?

Somewhere way beyond the Bering Strait?

Do you hope to haul out on that iceberg in the sky

Where endless schools of cod and herring wait?

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Oh, do not go gentle into that Arctic dusk

Six months from now will be another morning

Fight against extinction, tooth and nail and tusk

And hope your fellow mammals heed your warning.

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