Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) said recent earthquakes and a coming eclipse are “strong signs” from God that America needs to “repent,” shortly after tremors shook the New York City region Friday.

Darkness in the afternoon

Is like a wake-up slap

From God, who steers the Sun and Moon

To make them overlap.

To demonstrate His mercy

The very earth He rent

Somewhere in New Jersey:

A message to repent.

A warning of impending doom

Scaring us all shitless.

We let into the ladies’ room

Someone who was titless.

The country’s full of sinners

We’re sinful through and through

God only likes the winners

Just like you-know-who.

The rest of us are liable

To miss our turn at Rapture.

Embrace God’s holy Bible!

And epistemic capture. 

God knows what you’ve been doing

Your awful sins are seen

While Donald Trump’s been screwing

Marjorie Taylor Greene. 

Boeing CEO to step down after FAA probe

We hope you will accept our kudos, gratitude and thanks

For your years of service to the hedge funds and the banks

When things got tough you never flinched or headed for the fences,

You did the thing that you do best, you just cut more expenses

Boeing’s profits reached the sky under your steady hands

And thanks to you, it’s true that almost every Boeing lands.

So now and then a piece might loosen up or come unglued

Or fall apart in flight because it wasn’t ever screwed,

If there’s a little nut or bolt, a rivet, pin or sprocket

That you can just eliminate, it’s money in your pocket. 

Or better, you can do without the guy who holds the wrench

And sell planes cheaper than the English and the French.

So head for greener pastures! We offer our salute!

And if you plan on flying, here’s a golden parachute.

Donald Trump’s lawyers say he cannot post $460 million bond

Does Donald hear the ticking and the tolling of the bell?

Is he thinking this might be his coda, his farewell?

Or is he busy looking for an asset he can sell?

He’s sold out the country, has no secrets left to tell.

His company’s a scam, a con, a hollow empty shell,

His soul is barely worth a sou, a dime, a bagatelle.

He might be checking prices out for real estate in Hell

The Mar is full of fire, and the Lago is as well,

So it would make the perfect spot to build a Trump hotel. 

But he’d better change his diaper before it starts to smell. 

I know I’m microscopic and I’m living in a frozen

Vat of liquid nitrogen, waiting to be chosen,

With a certain measure of impatience and frustration,

Hoping I will be the next one picked for implantation.

Wishing for the moment of my apotheosis

That marks the time that I can start the process of mitosis.

(Unless I mean meiosis, I’m not sure I can tell.

Life is complicated even for a single cell.)

And if I have to wait a while, that will be okay.

My destiny is sealed and written in my DNA.

But I insist you treat me by the holy Bible’s lights

‘Cause I’m a human being and I know I have rights.

Alabama understands, they’re following the law.

Making it a homicide if I’m allowed to thaw.

Yes, every little zygote knows what they have to do

Keep me here forever, or else I’ll have to sue. 

We are appalled at the news that Russian opposition figure Alexei Navalny has died in prison. The Russian authorities must ensure a credible investigation into Navalny’s death.–Statement by the United Nations Human Rights Commission.

Leadership requires killing people.–Tucker Carlson

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The UN sends its thoughts and prayers

We know that people slip on stairs

Or fall from windows, hit their head 

Or just get sick and wind up dead.

Death can be very deleterious

To one’s health. It’s very serious.

When it happens in Siberious

Circumstances, it’s mysterious.

And so with all due circumspection

We request a full inspection

(But not before your next election.)

.

But Tucker Carlson won’t be caught

Uttering a prayer or thought

Tucker’s made of sterner stuff

And wants the world to know he’s tough

There’s no question, no dispute in

Tucker’s mind, regarding Putin.

Leadership sometimes demands

Something less than spotless hands

(And UV light to tan one’s glands)

At least we all know where he stands.

Transcription of a nightmare in which the only channel I could receive was Fox News:

A hundred million immigrants are swarming at the borders

On their way to perpetrate their awful crimes and slaughters

They’re murdering your grandmothers and trafficking your daughters!

They’re joining Black Lives Matter and they’re forming one big mob

They’re headed for your city streets to rampage and to rob

And signing up for welfare, before they take your job—

Except that you don’t have one, because you’re unemployed,

Inflation’s running rampant, economy’s destroyed,

You can’t afford a single egg, your bank account’s a void.

We’re only asking questions, but what were people smoking

Pretending to be triggered because Trump said he’s revoking 

The Constitution on Day One? Can’t they tell he’s joking?

But only a dictatorship holds out the hope to save us

—From the evil forces that conspire to enslave us—

And preserve the Constitution that the Founding Fathers gave us.

A president can only do his job with full immunity

From racist prosecutors in the black and brown community

Pulling off these hoaxes and fostering disunity.

So for all of you at home, shaking in your jocks,

Thank you for your loyalty, for watching us at Fox.

You might as well be listening to a broadcast straight from Mars

Or forecasting the future based on tea leaves or the stars

We know that you’re morons, but as morons go, you’re ours,

So here’s an infomercial on investing in gold bars

The first couple of questions are easy, like they have a lion, giraffe, a whale, and a shark. They’ll say, which one is the lion? Okay? That’s all the press covered, the first question. They didn’t cover the last question. Multiply 4733, multiplied times seven. Divide, without paper and pencil, divided by four. Add up another 37.5. I remember that. What’s your number? How many people in this room could do it? Not too many. Or they give you six names in a row. I took a lot of heat on this. They give you six names in a row at the beginning. ‘Sir, I’m gonna give you six names.’ Good. They look at them. A chair, a hat, a badge, a necklace, and a vote. Those things. ‘We’re going to give you six things.’ I said, ‘Good, what’s going on?’ Can you rename them? So, I rename them. Then they go back, and if you can do it in order, that’s even better. I do them in order. Perfect. Then they come back to you 30 minutes later at the end, last question. They say, ‘What were those six things?’ There aren’t too many people, and I get… they laughed. Everyone said, ‘Oh, that’s so easy.’ There’s only about 2% of this room that can do it, but I did it. I did it very easily. But I got mocked. —Donald Trump denying reports that he’s in dementia

Donald Trump is famous for cognition

He can name a camel or giraffe

His brain is in incredible condition

His IQ—it’s a little thing they call intelligence, okay? You’ve heard of that? I just call it good genes, it’s something you either have, or you can try to get it somehow, not that easy—is much too high to measure on a graph.

.

Donald Trump is very very cognitive

The likes of which you’ve never seen before

The media’s so mean and so derogative

They won’t even tell you, it’s incredible, they won’t report that I can count much higher than any other president, except maybe Lincoln, and about him I’m not even sure.

.

Donald Trump is someone who is mental

His memory in all the world’s the best

The press is only biased and judgmental

They won’t report — okay, I don’t know if I should even say this, because it’s frankly not even that believable, but you know Nikki Haley, I call her “birdbrain,” which frankly is insulting to the birds. They have enough to worry about with the windmills, you know about the windmills, right? They’re killing the whales, they’re killing the birds, they’re killing our great coal industry. But Nancy Pelosi can’t even pass an IQ test. Unbelievable, right? If you get every answer right, you get 100, and nobody ever gets 100, but some people come close, and they won’t report that I scored 99 on my IQ test.

Judge loses patience with Trump lawyer in E. Jean Carroll sex assault defamation trial

So Trump is being Trumpy

Sitting in his trial

 Cantankerous and grumpy

Obnoxious, mean and vile.

.

And when he chose his lawyers

Of all the frauds and crooks

The nudniks and annoyers—

He picked one for her looks.

.

You shouldn’t ever grab a

Lawyer off the street

Who, like Alina Habba,

Can’t think on her feet.

.

The judge is getting antsy

Alina’s getting schooled

Trump won’t get in her panties

Erection overruled.

Nikki Haley says the Civil War was only about “the role of government.”

The causes of the Civil War were many and complex

It had to do with keeping up the balances and checks

Against the woke agenda, of changing children’s sex.

The patriots from Southern states all fought to save the nation

From sinking in the DC swamp of unchecked immigration

Political correctness, and more and more taxation.

The Civil War was our great test of fortitude and bravery

And today we fight the notion, born in hate and knavery:

That the South seceded over

…anything…

…unsavory.

Grab a nacho-cheese Dorito!

Find a place to sit!

The year is reaching its finito,

All covered up in shit.

Fill a glass of warm flat Coke

And raise a toast to Rudy!

“Here’s to the year when you went broke,

You flaming sack of doody!”

So come and see the dropping ball!

Live, or on your app.

The year is ending, once for all,

In a sea of crap.

And as the day winds down to dusk

A plangent cry is heard:

From the mouth of Elon Musk,

Who stepped into a turd.

Coughing, gasping, sneezing

We all should see a doctor,

Noses running, wheezing,

This year has been ferkahkte.

The future now is on the line

Its shape is still a mystery

But this year we’ll soon consign

To the toilet bowl of history