Well, my daddy left home when I had my bris,

And my sisters Maryanne and Kris

Raised me on the Partisan Review.

And I never blamed him ‘cause he hid in shul

But the thing he did that was so uncool

Was before he left he went and named me (((Jew)))

 

Well he must’ve thought that it was quite a joke

And it pissed off all the herrenvolk

Made me wish that I could be Hindu.

Some gal would troll me with a nasty tweet

Some guy would show up in a big white sheet

I tell you, life ain’t easy for a boy named (((Jew))).

 

Well I pretty much stayed out of jail

Which didn’t hurt me getting into Yale

And I spent my junior year in Istanbul.

And I got me a job as a global banker

And I married a network evening anchor

And sent my kids to a fancy private school.

 

But I made me a vow to my mom and aunts

That I’d search the Chinese restaurants

From end to end on Flatbush Avenue

And I’d scan the letters to the New York Times

And the Fairway Market checkout lines

Until I found the man who named me (((Jew))).

 

It was a cocktail party for the DNC

–Or maybe a brunch for Hillary—

And I had a glass of Cava Extra-Brut.

In a cashmere jacket of a subdued plaid

With a plate of hors d’oeuvres was my own sweet dad

And I said, My name is (((Jew))). Now I’m gonna sue!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Win a date with Donald Trump!

You can join him on the stump

If you’re not ugly, old or fat.

Wear high heels, a trucker hat

Come on down, email or phone us.

A sexy accent is a bonus.

 

If you are the lucky winner

Don’t expect to go to dinner,

Or a concert, or a walk.

Instead, you’ll listen to him talk.

 

You’ll get tickets for a rally

Right up front! For the finale

You and every runner-up

Can lead the chant of “lock her up!”

 

He’ll hit you up for a donation

To the Donald Trump foundation

And tell Fox News he never knew you

And then he’ll turn around and sue you.

 

 

 

 

Since declaring his candidacy for president last June, Donald Trump has used Twitter to lob insults at presidential candidates, journalists, news organizations, nations, a Neil Young song and even a lectern in the Oval Office. We know this because we’ve read, tagged and quoted them all.–New York Times

Nasty and dopey and failing and failed

Phony, dishonest and ought to be jailed

Disgusting, a liar, a dummy, a hater

Boring, disgraceful, a total third-rater

A zero, incompetent, biased and lazy

All talk and no action, low energy, crazy

Wacky, pathetic, a clown and a choker

Disastrous judgment, a nutjob, a joker.

Irrelevant, stupid, and drowning in debt

Lacking in stamina, covered with sweat

Racist, neurotic and sloppy and bad

Desperate, grubby and crooked. So sad!

 

 

“The rules govern the soil farmers use, farm and food production hygiene, food packaging, food temperatures and even what animals may roam which fields and when.”—A press release from the Trump campaign about repealing the “inspection overkill” by the FDA “Food Police”.

Leave the milk out in the sun

Don’t worry if the chicken’s done

We’ll feed the crowds on red raw meat

Cut the rules down to a tweet.

Stop excessive regulations

On gastropods and on crustaceans.

 

Don’t look at how your laws are made

Or sausages, or lemonade.

Or tacos, tuna salad, franks

(Or pipelines, power plants and banks)

 

We will build a giant wall

Six feet thick and ten feet tall

Negotiate the toughest terms

Keeping out those foreign germs.

Just like we’ll beat Iran and Syria

We’ll win the war against bacteria.

 

Hygiene’s where I take my stand

It’s why I never shake your hand.

And I won’t ever die, because

I get advice from Dr. Oz.

Elect me, people, and I vow:

Your goose is cooked. Just don’t ask how.

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature upgraded the status of the giant panda from “endangered” to “vulnerable” after determining there were 1,864 pandas in the wild, an increase from 1,596 ten years earlier. 

 

Welcome back the Giant Panda!

Poster bear of propaganda.

Raise the flag! Strike up the band! A

Bear with thumbs but not a hand. A

Species making its last stand. A

Thing for once that went as planned! Ah–

If you see a Giant Panda,

On your deck or your verandah

Get out your camera, iPhone and a

Plate of bamboo, fresh or canned. A

Victory for conservation!

By the entire Chinese nation!

Overcoming threats of poaching

Roads and villages encroaching

On their forest habitat

Just too bad we can’t say that

About the lesser stick-necked rat,

The Wondiwoi tree kangaroo

Or the Christmas Island shrew

While the forest elephants

Do their slow extinction dance–

There’s one panda, ripe for seeing

Per four million human beings.

 

“I don’t want to pivot. I don’t want to change.” –Donald Trump

 

Out of the night that covers me

Black as the pit from poll to poll

I thank Fox News and Hannity

For their damage control

.

I’ll hoist myself by my petard

I’ll march to my own drummer

Mock each spastic or retard

And campaign “Dumb and Dumber”

.

I only know one way to roll.

Can only be myself.

And spinning ’round the toilet bowl

Beats sitting on the shelf.

.

So what you’ve seen is what you’ll get

No pivots or reversals

No dialing back, no pirouette

No notes, and no rehearsals.

 

 

So you always wanted a Purple Heart

And now you have one: it’s a start

Is there a particular body part

You’d like to do without?

.

And it must have caused you lifelong scars

When some other kid won more Gold Stars

So you pushed him off the monkey bars

And punched him in the snout.

.

And facing now this new accuser

You have no choice but to abuse her

She lost her kid, so she’s a loser.

That’s what life is all about.