“The rules govern the soil farmers use, farm and food production hygiene, food packaging, food temperatures and even what animals may roam which fields and when.”—A press release from the Trump campaign about repealing the “inspection overkill” by the FDA “Food Police”.

Leave the milk out in the sun

Don’t worry if the chicken’s done

We’ll feed the crowds on red raw meat

Cut the rules down to a tweet.

Stop excessive regulations

On gastropods and on crustaceans.

 

Don’t look at how your laws are made

Or sausages, or lemonade.

Or tacos, tuna salad, franks

(Or pipelines, power plants and banks)

 

We will build a giant wall

Six feet thick and ten feet tall

Negotiate the toughest terms

Keeping out those foreign germs.

Just like we’ll beat Iran and Syria

We’ll win the war against bacteria.

 

Hygiene’s where I take my stand

It’s why I never shake your hand.

And I won’t ever die, because

I get advice from Dr. Oz.

Elect me, people, and I vow:

Your goose is cooked. Just don’t ask how.

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature upgraded the status of the giant panda from “endangered” to “vulnerable” after determining there were 1,864 pandas in the wild, an increase from 1,596 ten years earlier. 

 

Welcome back the Giant Panda!

Poster bear of propaganda.

Raise the flag! Strike up the band! A

Bear with thumbs but not a hand. A

Species making its last stand. A

Thing for once that went as planned! Ah–

If you see a Giant Panda,

On your deck or your verandah

Get out your camera, iPhone and a

Plate of bamboo, fresh or canned. A

Victory for conservation!

By the entire Chinese nation!

Overcoming threats of poaching

Roads and villages encroaching

On their forest habitat

Just too bad we can’t say that

About the lesser stick-necked rat,

The Wondiwoi tree kangaroo

Or the Christmas Island shrew

While the forest elephants

Do their slow extinction dance–

There’s one panda, ripe for seeing

Per four million human beings.

 

“I don’t want to pivot. I don’t want to change.” –Donald Trump

 

Out of the night that covers me

Black as the pit from poll to poll

I thank Fox News and Hannity

For their damage control

.

I’ll hoist myself by my petard

I’ll march to my own drummer

Mock each spastic or retard

And campaign “Dumb and Dumber”

.

I only know one way to roll.

Can only be myself.

And spinning ’round the toilet bowl

Beats sitting on the shelf.

.

So what you’ve seen is what you’ll get

No pivots or reversals

No dialing back, no pirouette

No notes, and no rehearsals.

 

 

So you always wanted a Purple Heart

And now you have one: it’s a start

Is there a particular body part

You’d like to do without?

.

And it must have caused you lifelong scars

When some other kid won more Gold Stars

So you pushed him off the monkey bars

And punched him in the snout.

.

And facing now this new accuser

You have no choice but to abuse her

She lost her kid, so she’s a loser.

That’s what life is all about.

The voters of Britain said phooey.

They’ve had it with being E-U-ey.

Proving that even today

The you-know-who start at Calais.

 

Globalization is hooey.

It’s curries, kabobs and chop suey.

They’d much rather pick at the bones

Of whatever is left of Dow-Jones.

 

Trafalgar-ish or Waterloo-ey

They cling to the past, like a buoy,

Or wrap themselves in it, like flannel,

Safe on their side of the Channel.

 

As Truman was beaten by Dewey

The polls were all mixed up and screwy.

And Europe can just disunite

There’ll always be more wars to fight.

 

 

If you’re a Democratic politician and you really want to stand for LGBT, show real courage and stand up against the vicious ideology that has targeted our fellow Americans for murder.–Sen. Ted Cruz 

We’re putting the G back in GOP

Along with the L and the B and the T

No matter how sinful, how vile and perverted

Your practices are, you won’t be deserted.

Go use the girls’ room, we won’t look askance.

When it comes to bathrooms, we take a wide stance.

And should a terrorist mount an attack

Reach in your tutu for a gun and  shoot back.

 

Congressional Democrats walk out on Paul Ryan’s “moment of silence” for the Orlando terror attack to protest inaction on gun control.

We pause to reflect in a moment of silence

To send you our thoughts and our heartfeltest prayers

To honor the innocent victims of violence

Conveying the message that, yes, Congress cares!

And deeply abhors these deplorable slaughters

Of any constituents’ gay sons and daughters.

With solemn expressions and a catch in our throat

–Which please bear in mind when you go out to vote–

When it comes to compassion, we won’t be outdone.

We’ll all take our stand with the Rainbow Alliance.

And if anyone mentions the guy used a gun

The sound that you’ll hear is a moment of silence.