“I don’t want to pivot. I don’t want to change.” –Donald Trump
Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from poll to poll
I thank Fox News and Hannity
For their damage control
I’ll hoist myself by my petard
I’ll march to my own drummer
Mock each spastic or retard
And campaign “Dumb and Dumber”
I only know one way to roll.
Can only be myself.
And spinning ’round the toilet bowl
Beats sitting on the shelf.
So what you’ve seen is what you’ll get
No pivots or reversals
No dialing back, no pirouette
No notes, and no rehearsals.
So you always wanted a Purple Heart
And now you have one: it’s a start
Is there a particular body part
You’d like to do without?
And it must have caused you lifelong scars
When some other kid won more Gold Stars
So you pushed him off the monkey bars
And punched him in the snout.
And facing now this new accuser
You have no choice but to abuse her
She lost her kid, so she’s a loser.
That’s what life is all about.
The voters of Britain said phooey.
They’ve had it with being E-U-ey.
Proving that even today
The you-know-who start at Calais.
Globalization is hooey.
It’s curries, kabobs and chop suey.
They’d much rather pick at the bones
Of whatever is left of Dow-Jones.
Trafalgar-ish or Waterloo-ey
They cling to the past, like a buoy,
Or wrap themselves in it, like flannel,
Safe on their side of the Channel.
As Truman was beaten by Dewey
The polls were all mixed up and screwy.
And Europe can just disunite
There’ll always be more wars to fight.
If you’re a Democratic politician and you really want to stand for LGBT, show real courage and stand up against the vicious ideology that has targeted our fellow Americans for murder.–Sen. Ted Cruz
We’re putting the G back in GOP
Along with the L and the B and the T
No matter how sinful, how vile and perverted
Your practices are, you won’t be deserted.
Go use the girls’ room, we won’t look askance.
When it comes to bathrooms, we take a wide stance.
And should a terrorist mount an attack
Reach in your tutu for a gun and shoot back.
Congressional Democrats walk out on Paul Ryan’s “moment of silence” for the Orlando terror attack to protest inaction on gun control.
We pause to reflect in a moment of silence
To send you our thoughts and our heartfeltest prayers
To honor the innocent victims of violence
Conveying the message that, yes, Congress cares!
And deeply abhors these deplorable slaughters
Of any constituents’ gay sons and daughters.
With solemn expressions and a catch in our throat
–Which please bear in mind when you go out to vote–
When it comes to compassion, we won’t be outdone.
We’ll all take our stand with the Rainbow Alliance.
And if anyone mentions the guy used a gun
The sound that you’ll hear is a moment of silence.
Will Bernie Sanders be the spoiler
Of Hillary’s campaign?
Will he drag things out to foil her?
Does he want to rain
On what she thought was her parade?
And will he stand athwart–
Throw a bomb or hand grenade–
At her juggernaut?
If Hillary is Princess Leia
Will he be Darth Vader?
Or is he planning to replay a
Scene from Gore Meets Nader?
Will Bernie Sanders be a mensch
Or just a bitter grump?
Throw into the works a wrench
And out comes Donald Trump?
Donald Trump said on Fox News Sunday that he did plan to start acting more presidential
‘You’re going to be so bored, you’re going to say this is the most boring human being I’ve ever interviewed,’ Trump continued.
‘I think if I act very presidential I’ll be dull, but that will be fine,’ he added.
Donald Trump is going presidential
Sober, measured, utterly discreet
He will be judicious and prudential
Even when he’s sending off a tweet.
Donald Trump will showcase his potential
To turn the other cheek and bow his head.
He’ll be humble, meek and deferential,
Quoting from the Bible by his bed.
His speeches will be grave and consequential
And every thought he utters will connect
Nothing hyperbolic or tangential
And every fact will be quadruple checked.
Yes, Donald Trump is going presidential
We’ll see a side of Trump we’ve never known.
The one thing to remember that’s essential:
The president he means is Juan Peron.