Japanese company rolls out whale-meat vending machines.

Hey there, Japanese landlubber,

Time to chow down on some blubber!

Every part, from tongue to tail,

Is delicious on a whale.

Our handy whale-o-matic

Is the place for treats aquatic

Roasts or chops of blue or fin:

Make your choice and dig right in!

There’s beluga, sperm or killer

Sausages (made without filler).

Stuff yourself like John Belushi!

With a plate of humpback sushi!

You can even get a porpoise

Burger, or filet of orcas.

If you’ve a taste for fried baleen

It’s right here in this neat machine

For dessert, enjoy a lick

Of a frozen Moby Stick,

Or try the latest taste sensation—

Frozen pumpkin-spiced cetacean!

So hurry down and bring some yen

Our prices won’t be seen again!

Or, to be precise, succinct:

Eat them before they go extinct. 

Come all who ride this lonely sphere

This ball of green and blue.

Deliverance is almost here,

From you-know-what and you-know-who. 

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The world, while spinning on its ass,

Blanketed by greenhouse gas,

Following its destined path,

Passed twelve months. Just do the math!

So join our gay community

We’re granting you immunity.

Our party will be hotsy-totsy!

Dress up as your favorite Nazi.

The theme is post-apocalypto

We take cash or cards. No crypto.

Have a ball, let down your masks.

Drain your flagons and your flasks!

Hoist a cocktail of Paxlovid

It will keep you safe from Covid.

Three parts gin to one part zinc

Makes a tasty, healthful drink.

Good for toasting Dr. Oz.

Try not to snort it up your schnozz

Or spill it on your shirt or vest

At the thought of Kanye West.

As the day gives way to dusk

Give a thought to Elon Musk,

Sitting lonely on the shitter,

Hear the flush: It must be Twitter.

Trumpets blare and raise a loud noise!

It’s a riot by the Proud Boys!

Holy moly, jeepers creepers!

Great to see you all, Oath Keepers!

Three-percenters, vote deniers,

QAnoners and Big Liars!

Come on in, there’s lots of space, you

Know we won’t let Jews replace you!

And in the spirit of the season

We will try you all for treason.

In democratic fashion, the people had their say,

And now it’s time to show a little class

Extend a hand in friendship and meet enemies halfway

And kick those MAGA bastards in the ass.

We believe in settling our differences by voting

We set a good example, as Democrats and libs,

We don’t believe in insults or in mocking or in gloating

As long as we can knife them in the ribs.

What goes around will come around, so better not to judge

One day we may find that we’ve switched places

It’s highly un-American to carry on a grudge,

Excuse me while I stomp them on their faces.

Biden suggests Putin’s nuclear threats mean a ‘prospect of Armageddon’

“Nuclear Armageddon”:

It’s like a global head-on

Collision. We’ll be dead on

The day that’s marked in red on

God’s calendar. I’ve read John

Of Patmos’ Revelation

And know annihilation

Will come to every nation.

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And that’s okay! The preachers say

Get down on your knees and pray

To live to hear, one blessed day,

God’s trumpet as its holy noise,

Calls the army of the Proud Boys

Oath Keepers and the Three Percenters

To do battle with dissenters,

Unbelievers, Muslims, Hindus,

Buddhists, Democrats and Jews. 

And so in anticipation

Of the coming Tribulation

The Second Coming, Armageddon,

I think I’ll put this suit of lead on.

God save our gracious King,

Ruler of everything.

God save the King!

What if he’s boring us,

Annoying, censorious,

Bombastic, stentorious?

God save the King!

Stiffen his upper lip

Curled like a paper clip

Keep him a perfect drip

God save the King!

Let not rebellion spoil

His humble subjects loyal

Like some other Charlies royal

God save the King!

Those to the manner bred

Don’t always die in bed

Let’s hope he keeps his head.

God save the King

Grant him a life that’s long

Safe from all harm and wrong

Inside Camilla’s thong,

God save the King!

Never desecrate a Bible

Don’t let a Torah touch the floor.

Burn a Koran and you’re liable

To touch off a civil war.

Every sentence, word and comma

In every sacred text is true

Don’t dare doodle on your Kama

Sutra, or your Popol-vuh.

Never mutilate or spindle

Anybody’s holy book

Don’t delete them from your Kindle,

Or your hard drive or your Nook.

The words of God roll down like thunder

From heaven in the Google Cloud

Our minds are filled with awe and wonder

Our hands are clasped, our heads are bowed.

Ever since the day He spoke them

Men and women of good will

Find it handy to invoke them

When they arm themselves to kill.

Louisiana’s new fetal personhood bill—which House Republicans just voted out of committee 7–2—makes abortion a crime of homicide “from the moment of fertilization” and allowing prosectors to charge patients with murder.

Well this really hits a high note

From now on, each little zygote

Microscopic, Lilliputian,

Is exempt from persecution,

Has the rights the Constitution

Grants to all, without dilution.

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Life, it seems, is where you find it

And nobody ought to mind it

If the government goes looking

Inside of you, to see what’s cooking.

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Still somehow it makes me squirm

To think we’re not protecting sperm

Overcome with shame and guilt

At that waste of human milt

All those quarts of semen spilt.

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Damnation’s sure, and it’s eternal

For every instance of nocturnal

Emission or of masturbation 

That doesn’t lead to procreation.

And so we must restore the quondam

Laws prohibiting a condom. 

Hereby we proclaim and dub

Ukraine off-limits to Beelzebub.

Botflies, black flies and of course,

Flies of fruit and house and horse

We’re making it a no-fly zone

We’ll enforce it with a drone,

And send in a whole brigade

Of SWAT teams armed with Flit and Raid,

Fly repellents, screens and zappers

Outside garbage dumps and crappers.

We will extirpate the nests

Of all sorts of airborne pests.

Even with their compound eyes

We will catch them by surprise.

We will dominate the skies.

And rid Ukraine of Migs and flies.

So Breyer will retire, and that means that POTUS

Must hire and acquire a judge to sit on SCOTUS.

Honest, fair and wise and pure just like a legal lotus

Behind her mask no hint or whiff of legal halitosis.

And that’s all fine, but there are nine, in case you didn’t notice.

So stuck at three are hapless we. The six will still outvote us

And wield the gavel, as before, the many times they smote us

We here below, all too well know: they have us by the throatus.

“We never advocate taking a life of an unborn child unless it is necessary to protect the life of a woman,” said Joe Pojman,executive director of the Texas Alliance for Life.

Even in cases of rape or incest, “we don’t advocate for taking the life of an unborn child for the crime of the father,” he said.

The law’s supporters say that it provides sufficient leeway for physicians to act if a mother’s life or bodily functions are compromised, and they insist those cases are rare.

Dr. Ingrid Skop, an obstetrician in San Antonio who belongs to the American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians and Gynecologists, said that even a girl as young as 9 or 10, impregnated by a father or a brother, could carry a baby to term without health risks.–New York Times, Nov. 26, 2021

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“I have been in the situation of counseling young girls, not 13 but 15, who have had very at risk, difficult pregnancies. And my counsel was to look for some alternatives, which they did. And they found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade.”–Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle (R.) on her opposition to abortion in the hypothetical case of a teenager who was raped by her father. (July 8, 2010)

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You know that for a while there I was just a little down
After that thing with Daddy, while Mom was out of town.
The other kids in junior high can sometimes be so mean.
Like, I’m a slut? Give me a break. What about Charlene?
And Mom was all like, who’s the guy? Your Dad will go ballistic.
Which made me laugh so hard I couldn’t help feel optimistic.
I know that awful Mr. Reid would want me to abort it.
It’s cheaper for the taxpayers than having to support it.
But Daddy always taught us that we can’t turn to Big Brother
To help us out of trouble, so I just became a mother.
It’s just like Mrs. Angle told us, look up to the sky
Every lemon situation was decreed from way on high.
And every little citrus fruit was put here to be squeezed
Just add some ice and sugar and the angels will be pleased.
Serve it up with cookies and your biggest widest grin.
Your whole life has been ruined, but at least you didn’t sin.