Joe Biden says only “the Lord Almighty” could make him drop out of the race

Joe, if I can call you that, perhaps we can confer—

—Oh, okay, Mr. President, if that’s what you prefer—

Greatness comes to leaders who look inside their souls

But I also think you ought to take a look at some new polls.

The prophets all are saying your campaign is in the Dumpster

And no one will forgive you if you lose it to the Trumpster

It will be a Revelation if you check out all these charts:

I don’t call up voters, I know what’s in their hearts.

You need to find supporters who are more enthusiastic

The focus groups are saying that you seem Methuselahstic.

And I know that the election is still a ways away

But when You are eternal, a year is like a day.

And when You are omniscient, you know a lot of stuff

From what I see on NBC, Wisconsin will be tough.

I try to be objective, pragmatic and empirical

But as for winning Georgia now, it’s gonna take a miracle.

For advice on politics, I turn to Jimmy Carter,

Even though he’s awfully old, and Rosalynn was smarter,

He wants you to get on your knees and bow your head in prayer,

I don’t think you should take the chance. Your cartilage might tear.

I also checked with Jefferson, Churchill, JFK,

Hamilton and Talleyrand, Disraeli, LBJ,

And they all said it’s over and it’s time to take a walk

Which is why I came to Delaware so we could have this talk\

I went through this with Moses, when he couldn’t understand

Why he had to give up getting to the Promised Land

I know that you’d consider it a failure and a cop out

But it’s my job to tell you that you really need to drop out

And anyway, I’d like to say, just keep it in your head

There’s something else that you could drop. That other thing is dead.

When Donald Trump suggested Wednesday he would not sign a federal abortion ban if elected to the White House again, it marked the former president’s latest evolution on the issue. Throughout his lengthy career in the public eye and politics going back 25 years, Trump has found himself on every side of the contentious debate, at times shifting stances seemingly to match the politics of the voters he is trying win over.–CNN

On the question of abortion, my position is amazing

Everyone agrees with it and everyone is praising

The vision and the wording and the language and the phrasing

And by the way it shows up in the money I’ve been raising.

On matters of morality, I’m totally pro-life-ish.

Unlike my opponent, who is weak and indecisive.

I’m totally committed to let women have a choice

But our great Christian leaders should also get a voice.

And I have to say out loud, and say it very strongly:

I will have a plan to punish women who choose wrongly.

Everyone remembers that I promised to end Roe

And I went very strongly, unlike Sleepy Joe

A big strong man came up to me, a tear was in his eye

And he said, Mr. President, it almost made me cry

The attacks that you have suffered for the role your judges played,

In overturning … by the way, who the hell was “Wade”?

So many people say to me, just leave it to the states,

But when it comes to taxes, we’re lowering the rates.

And by the way, we saw today, under Biden crime is up.

But here’s my plan, and by the way, I see my time is up.

I say, ‘What would happen if the boat sank from its weight and you’re in the boat and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery is now underwater, and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there?” — Donald Trump discussing the perils of electrically-powered vessels.
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Donald Trump won’t go into the water

Where sharks are lurking poised to chomp and bite

One of them is married to his daughter

The other is a twelve-foot-long Great White.

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Enemies of Donald Trump surround him

RINOs who just want to see him fail

Giant fish who circle all around him

And judges who might put his ass in jail.

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Donald Trump has faced down spite and envy

Tangled up in webs and nets of laws

Caught up in a legal feeding frenzy

Crunched between a giant pair of Jaws.

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Donald Trump lives by a simple credo:

He is smart and all of us are dumb.

You won’t ever see him in a Speedo

Risking that he might turn into chum.

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Donald Trump prefers electrocution

He will take the jolt, the shock, the spark 

He can run away from prosecution

But he can’t ever hope to jump the shark.

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Donald Trump wants more of what we gave him

More crowds, more money and a bigger vote

He’s calling on all patriots to save him

And they’re gonna need a bigger boat.

Kristi Noem is lost inside a thicket

Wanders lonely in the mist and fog.

Whether she is evil, or just sick, it

Goes to show you shouldn’t shoot your dog.

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When Donald dropped his pants and told her “lick it.”

Kristi Noem was happy to comply

Even though she knew that he’s a prick, it

Didn’t cost her anything to lie.

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Kristi Noem had hoped to join the ticket

But now it’s clear that she has missed the boat

She’s been told exactly where to stick it.

For murdering her puppy and her goat.

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Kristi Noem is in some sticky wickets

Kristi Noem is headed for the dump

The only thing she’s hearing now is Crickets

While she awaits a call from Donald Trump

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) said recent earthquakes and a coming eclipse are “strong signs” from God that America needs to “repent,” shortly after tremors shook the New York City region Friday.

Darkness in the afternoon

Is like a wake-up slap

From God, who steers the Sun and Moon

To make them overlap.

To demonstrate His mercy

The very earth He rent

Somewhere in New Jersey:

A message to repent.

A warning of impending doom

Scaring us all shitless.

We let into the ladies’ room

Someone who was titless.

The country’s full of sinners

We’re sinful through and through

God only likes the winners

Just like you-know-who.

The rest of us are liable

To miss our turn at Rapture.

Embrace God’s holy Bible!

And epistemic capture. 

God knows what you’ve been doing

Your awful sins are seen

While Donald Trump’s been screwing

Marjorie Taylor Greene. 

Boeing CEO to step down after FAA probe

We hope you will accept our kudos, gratitude and thanks

For your years of service to the hedge funds and the banks

When things got tough you never flinched or headed for the fences,

You did the thing that you do best, you just cut more expenses

Boeing’s profits reached the sky under your steady hands

And thanks to you, it’s true that almost every Boeing lands.

So now and then a piece might loosen up or come unglued

Or fall apart in flight because it wasn’t ever screwed,

If there’s a little nut or bolt, a rivet, pin or sprocket

That you can just eliminate, it’s money in your pocket. 

Or better, you can do without the guy who holds the wrench

And sell planes cheaper than the English and the French.

So head for greener pastures! We offer our salute!

And if you plan on flying, here’s a golden parachute.

Donald Trump’s lawyers say he cannot post $460 million bond

Does Donald hear the ticking and the tolling of the bell?

Is he thinking this might be his coda, his farewell?

Or is he busy looking for an asset he can sell?

He’s sold out the country, has no secrets left to tell.

His company’s a scam, a con, a hollow empty shell,

His soul is barely worth a sou, a dime, a bagatelle.

He might be checking prices out for real estate in Hell

The Mar is full of fire, and the Lago is as well,

So it would make the perfect spot to build a Trump hotel. 

But he’d better change his diaper before it starts to smell. 

I know I’m microscopic and I’m living in a frozen

Vat of liquid nitrogen, waiting to be chosen,

With a certain measure of impatience and frustration,

Hoping I will be the next one picked for implantation.

Wishing for the moment of my apotheosis

That marks the time that I can start the process of mitosis.

(Unless I mean meiosis, I’m not sure I can tell.

Life is complicated even for a single cell.)

And if I have to wait a while, that will be okay.

My destiny is sealed and written in my DNA.

But I insist you treat me by the holy Bible’s lights

‘Cause I’m a human being and I know I have rights.

Alabama understands, they’re following the law.

Making it a homicide if I’m allowed to thaw.

Yes, every little zygote knows what they have to do

Keep me here forever, or else I’ll have to sue. 

We are appalled at the news that Russian opposition figure Alexei Navalny has died in prison. The Russian authorities must ensure a credible investigation into Navalny’s death.–Statement by the United Nations Human Rights Commission.

Leadership requires killing people.–Tucker Carlson

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The UN sends its thoughts and prayers

We know that people slip on stairs

Or fall from windows, hit their head 

Or just get sick and wind up dead.

Death can be very deleterious

To one’s health. It’s very serious.

When it happens in Siberious

Circumstances, it’s mysterious.

And so with all due circumspection

We request a full inspection

(But not before your next election.)

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But Tucker Carlson won’t be caught

Uttering a prayer or thought

Tucker’s made of sterner stuff

And wants the world to know he’s tough

There’s no question, no dispute in

Tucker’s mind, regarding Putin.

Leadership sometimes demands

Something less than spotless hands

(And UV light to tan one’s glands)

At least we all know where he stands.

Transcription of a nightmare in which the only channel I could receive was Fox News:

A hundred million immigrants are swarming at the borders

On their way to perpetrate their awful crimes and slaughters

They’re murdering your grandmothers and trafficking your daughters!

They’re joining Black Lives Matter and they’re forming one big mob

They’re headed for your city streets to rampage and to rob

And signing up for welfare, before they take your job—

Except that you don’t have one, because you’re unemployed,

Inflation’s running rampant, economy’s destroyed,

You can’t afford a single egg, your bank account’s a void.

We’re only asking questions, but what were people smoking

Pretending to be triggered because Trump said he’s revoking 

The Constitution on Day One? Can’t they tell he’s joking?

But only a dictatorship holds out the hope to save us

—From the evil forces that conspire to enslave us—

And preserve the Constitution that the Founding Fathers gave us.

A president can only do his job with full immunity

From racist prosecutors in the black and brown community

Pulling off these hoaxes and fostering disunity.

So for all of you at home, shaking in your jocks,

Thank you for your loyalty, for watching us at Fox.

You might as well be listening to a broadcast straight from Mars

Or forecasting the future based on tea leaves or the stars

We know that you’re morons, but as morons go, you’re ours,

So here’s an infomercial on investing in gold bars