The first couple of questions are easy, like they have a lion, giraffe, a whale, and a shark. They’ll say, which one is the lion? Okay? That’s all the press covered, the first question. They didn’t cover the last question. Multiply 4733, multiplied times seven. Divide, without paper and pencil, divided by four. Add up another 37.5. I remember that. What’s your number? How many people in this room could do it? Not too many. Or they give you six names in a row. I took a lot of heat on this. They give you six names in a row at the beginning. ‘Sir, I’m gonna give you six names.’ Good. They look at them. A chair, a hat, a badge, a necklace, and a vote. Those things. ‘We’re going to give you six things.’ I said, ‘Good, what’s going on?’ Can you rename them? So, I rename them. Then they go back, and if you can do it in order, that’s even better. I do them in order. Perfect. Then they come back to you 30 minutes later at the end, last question. They say, ‘What were those six things?’ There aren’t too many people, and I get… they laughed. Everyone said, ‘Oh, that’s so easy.’ There’s only about 2% of this room that can do it, but I did it. I did it very easily. But I got mocked. —Donald Trump denying reports that he’s in dementia

Donald Trump is famous for cognition

He can name a camel or giraffe

His brain is in incredible condition

His IQ—it’s a little thing they call intelligence, okay? You’ve heard of that? I just call it good genes, it’s something you either have, or you can try to get it somehow, not that easy—is much too high to measure on a graph.

.

Donald Trump is very very cognitive

The likes of which you’ve never seen before

The media’s so mean and so derogative

They won’t even tell you, it’s incredible, they won’t report that I can count much higher than any other president, except maybe Lincoln, and about him I’m not even sure.

.

Donald Trump is someone who is mental

His memory in all the world’s the best

The press is only biased and judgmental

They won’t report — okay, I don’t know if I should even say this, because it’s frankly not even that believable, but you know Nikki Haley, I call her “birdbrain,” which frankly is insulting to the birds. They have enough to worry about with the windmills, you know about the windmills, right? They’re killing the whales, they’re killing the birds, they’re killing our great coal industry. But Nancy Pelosi can’t even pass an IQ test. Unbelievable, right? If you get every answer right, you get 100, and nobody ever gets 100, but some people come close, and they won’t report that I scored 99 on my IQ test.

Judge loses patience with Trump lawyer in E. Jean Carroll sex assault defamation trial

So Trump is being Trumpy

Sitting in his trial

 Cantankerous and grumpy

Obnoxious, mean and vile.

.

And when he chose his lawyers

Of all the frauds and crooks

The nudniks and annoyers—

He picked one for her looks.

.

You shouldn’t ever grab a

Lawyer off the street

Who, like Alina Habba,

Can’t think on her feet.

.

The judge is getting antsy

Alina’s getting schooled

Trump won’t get in her panties

Erection overruled.

Nikki Haley says the Civil War was only about “the role of government.”

The causes of the Civil War were many and complex

It had to do with keeping up the balances and checks

Against the woke agenda, of changing children’s sex.

The patriots from Southern states all fought to save the nation

From sinking in the DC swamp of unchecked immigration

Political correctness, and more and more taxation.

The Civil War was our great test of fortitude and bravery

And today we fight the notion, born in hate and knavery:

That the South seceded over

…anything…

…unsavory.

Grab a nacho-cheese Dorito!

Find a place to sit!

The year is reaching its finito,

All covered up in shit.

Fill a glass of warm flat Coke

And raise a toast to Rudy!

“Here’s to the year when you went broke,

You flaming sack of doody!”

So come and see the dropping ball!

Live, or on your app.

The year is ending, once for all,

In a sea of crap.

And as the day winds down to dusk

A plangent cry is heard:

From the mouth of Elon Musk,

Who stepped into a turd.

Coughing, gasping, sneezing

We all should see a doctor,

Noses running, wheezing,

This year has been ferkahkte.

The future now is on the line

Its shape is still a mystery

But this year we’ll soon consign

To the toilet bowl of history

Ivy League heads: Calls for genocide on Jews are context-dependent

When there’s a call for genocide

It’s not all black and white.

Context matters. Either side

Could be in the right.

Don’t go out and shout “J’accuse!”

Don’t look so aghast. 

Nuance matters. Maybe Jews

Deserve to be harassed.

There is no easy answer.

The narrative grows old.

Are Jews the same as cancer?

Or just like, say, a cold?

But also we must understand

Not every Jew is bad

They might be gay or bi or trans

And therefore should be spared.

Post-modern hermeneutics

Are our route to knowledge

You need strong pharmaceutics

Today to go to college.

Donald Trump will get rid of the “vermin”

Infesting our arteries and veins.

It’s a word, translated from the German,

Meaning “round up Jews and put them on the trains.”

Donald Trump is stirring up emotion,

The MAGA pot will soon begin to boil.

He’ll drop those anchor babies in the ocean

And purify the nation’s blood and soil.

Donald Trump will deal with all the liars

So listen up in Congress and the media:

He’s heating up the thumbscrews and the pliers

So better check out Priceline or Expedia. 

Donald Trump’s the person of the hour

America’s redeemer and restorer

Fate chose him to receive the golden shower:

Ein volk, ein Reich and Donald Trump, ein Fuhrer.  

What is nothing?

The thing we make so much ado about?

Nothing is a show about Seinfeld.

Nothing is impossible for God.

Nothing is what’s doing,

when nothing’s going right.

Nothing is what we’ve got plenty of,

when we have nothing left.

But that’s nothing to worry about, 

because

Nothing is everything.

“Jardiance is really swell, it’s a little pill with a big story to tell….”

There could be some redness at the site of the injection

It could lower your ability to fight off an infection

Don’t take it you’re feeling faint or weak or short of breath

‘Cause this could be a symptom you’re at risk of sudden death

If you’re over 50 and you suffer constipation

Drowsiness and dizziness and frequent urination

Suicidal thoughts or sensitivity to cold

Be sure to tell your doctor, ‘cause you might be getting old.

Some patients have reported hearing voices in the night

Apocalyptic visions or an eerie sense of fright

Moments of confusion where they wander in a daze

Report these to your doctor if they go on for days

Don’t take it if you’re pregnant ‘cause that would be incautious

You don’t need another thing that might make you feel nauseous.

I’ll say this for Rupert Murdoch

There’s no doubt of where he stood:

Like Richard Nixon, drawn by Herblock,

He did the worst he could.

Like a monster or an alien,

Into the world he burst

The Foxy billionaire Australian

With whom our lives were cursed. 

Greedy and corrupt and craven,

Underhanded and perverse

As a lie and bullshit maven

Only Donald Trump is worse.

In charity, we’ll speak no evil.

Even as we look ahead

To a world of dark upheaval,

Hoping soon that he’ll be dead.

If you think it’s bad or dirty

For a man to act all flirty

Wear a dress, a bra or skirt,

Then you shouldn’t do overt

Things one does without a shirt

Better kept obscure, covert…

Are you listening, Lauren Boebert?