Republicans are shocked! They’re shocked!

At what the news is bringing.

Democracy will not be mocked!

Their hands are wringing, wringing.


Republicans are shocked! They’re shocked!

And though they won’t be risking

Their jobs by going off half-cocked

There’s plenty of tsk-tsking.


Listen hard and you’ll discern

The swamp has started bubbling

With the sound of “deep concern”

The creatures find it “troubling.”


The eyes they roll, the chins they stroke

The brows they knit and furrow

The winks for those in on the joke,

Chuck Todd or Joe Scarborough.


Perplexed, afflicted by grave doubt

They gravely shake their head

Hoping that the truth will out

Once they’re safely dead.




For Cinco de Mayo I will drink an entire jar of hot salsa and watch old Speedy Gonzales cartoons and speak Spanish all day. Happy CdMayo! Tweet by former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee

And I will wear a great big straw sombrero

And other stuff that makes me look Southwestern.

For Passover I’ll get dressed up as Pharaoh

Or Moses as portrayed by Charlton Heston.


‘Cause I’m a big believer in diversity

Different doesn’t have to mean you’re less

To celebrate all sexual perversity

I will put on lipstick and a dress.


And I will do my famous Senor Wences

It will make you laugh so hard you gotta

Tear down all those border walls and fences!

America: We’re Mexico’s piñata!


It’s all about our national priorities.

I side with the neglected and downtrodden

Immigrants and poor oppressed minorities.

For Ramadan, I’ll dress up as bin Laden.


And even though the media might kvetch, it

Doesn’t matter–any little thing may

Cause a tweetstorm. Dressed like Stepin Fetchit

I’ll show my love for Martin Luther King Day.


WASHINGTON — Just over a week ago, the White House declared that ordering an American aircraft carrier into the Sea of Japan would send a powerful deterrent signal to North Korea and give President Trump more options in responding to the North’s provocative behavior. “We’re sending an armada,” Mr. Trump said to Fox News last Tuesday afternoon.

The problem was that the carrier, the Carl Vinson, and the three other warships in its strike force were that very moment sailing in the opposite direction, to take part in joint exercises with the Australian Navy in the Indian Ocean, 3,500 miles southwest of the Korean Peninsula.–New York Times, April 18

Somewhere out in the Pacific

There’s a beautiful naval fleet

With battleships that are terrific

And I command it with a tweet.


I’m sending it to North Korea,

The people there are very bad.

Now it’s in, like, Tanzania

Or Singapore or Trinidad.


Anyway, it’s coming from there.

It will show amazing force!

After that, it’s going somewhere!

America will stay the course!


I hope they’re watching in Damascus

My threats are existential.

If they doubt us, they can ask us:

I’m acting presidential!


I draw no red lines in the sand

I draw them in the water.

Here and now I take my stand,

But first check with my daughter.


I’m sending out a big armada

I push buttons, something happens!

The whole world is my enchilada,

I’m sticking it with map pins.


And if I don’t know where to go

And if I seem to have no clue

The beauty is if I don’t know

Then neither, of course, do you.




I’m sure when I picked up the phone I heard a little click

The Democrats are listening in! It’s terrible! It’s sick!

The buzzing on the line is proof that someone’s interfering

And only I can hear it ‘cause I have the world’s best hearing.

Is that a pigeon on the ledge, or could it be a drone?

Could that ketchup bottle hold a hidden microphone?

I can see Sean Hannity is blinking in Morse code

A warning that my TV set could blow up and explode.

It’s lucky for the country I’ve been certified a genius

Smart enough to understand these messages from Venus:

Carnage is upon us and it cannot be prevented:

The aliens are landing and they won’t be documented.





Listen up you lying liars

In the media elite

While we’re heating up the pliers

Take some time to read this tweet.


Reporters need to know their places

Shut up, sit down and wipe your shoes.

Try to stay in my good graces

By writing how much I love Jews.


We’re coming for you lying liars

In my hand I have a list

When it’s time to light the fires

Joe and Mika won’t be missed.


The country doesn’t want or need you

They trust me, not their ears or eyes.

I don’t listen, watch or read you:

But I know you’re full of lies.


All you networks full of fake news

What goes around will come:

Any time I want to make news

I do it with my thumb











Who made these paintings on the walls

Of the Deaf Man’s House? From what dark halls

Of Spanish history come these figments?

How hold the brush? How mix the pigments?


Take silver tarnish from the mines of Peru

Mix well with tears for a dismal hue.

A widow’s mantilla, soaked in lye

Dissolves, and giving up its dye,

Creates the color of a midnight sky.


From the cellar of the Citadel

Grab a heretic or infidel.

A Muslim is okay to choose

If that day they’re out of Jews.

Burn him slowly, so you don’t waste fuel

Sift the ashes. When completely cool,

Stir with a wooden spoon or twig

Into the blood of a fresh-killed pig

This part is crucial: If it fails to congeal,

You made a mistake, but it’s no big deal:

You can always requisition

Another one from the Inquisition.



Do not go gentle…

Well, my daddy left home when I had my bris,

And he didn’t leave much to me and Sis

Just this old copy of  Partisan Review.

And I never blamed him ‘cause he went to shul

But the thing he did that was so uncool

Was before he left he went and named me (((Jew)))


Well he must’ve thought that it was quite a joke

And it pissed off all the herrenvolk

Made me wish that I could be Hindu.

Some gal would troll me with a nasty tweet

Some guy would show up in a big white sheet

I tell you, life ain’t easy for a boy named (((Jew))).


Well I pretty much stayed out of jail

Which didn’t hurt me getting into Yale

And I spent my junior year in Istanbul.

And I got me a job as a global banker

Corporate lawyer and a network anchor

And sent my kids to a fancy private school.


But I made me a vow to my mom and aunts

That I’d search the Chinese restaurants

From end to end on Flatbush Avenue

And I’d check the letters to the New York Times

And the Fairway Market checkout lines

Until I found the man who named me (((Jew))).


At a cocktail party for the DNC

–Or maybe a brunch for Hillary—

And I had a glass of some good microbrew

In a cashmere jacket of a subdued plaid

With a plate of hors d’oeuvres was my own sweet dad

And I said, My name is (((Jew)))! Now I’m gonna sue!








Win a date with Donald Trump!

You can join him on the stump

If you’re not ugly, old or fat.

Wear high heels, a trucker hat

Come on down, email or phone us.

A sexy accent is a bonus.


If you are the lucky winner

Don’t expect to go to dinner,

Or a concert, or a walk.

Instead, you’ll listen to him talk.


You’ll get tickets for a rally

Right up front! For the finale

You and every runner-up

Can lead the chant of “lock her up!”


He’ll hit you up for a donation

To the Donald Trump foundation

And tell Fox News he never knew you

And then he’ll turn around and sue you.





Since declaring his candidacy for president last June, Donald Trump has used Twitter to lob insults at presidential candidates, journalists, news organizations, nations, a Neil Young song and even a lectern in the Oval Office. We know this because we’ve read, tagged and quoted them all.–New York Times

Nasty and dopey and failing and failed

Phony, dishonest and ought to be jailed

Disgusting, a liar, a dummy, a hater

Boring, disgraceful, a total third-rater

A zero, incompetent, biased and lazy

All talk and no action, low energy, crazy

Wacky, pathetic, a clown and a choker

Disastrous judgment, a nutjob, a joker.

Irrelevant, stupid, and drowning in debt

Lacking in stamina, covered with sweat

Racist, neurotic and sloppy and bad

Desperate, grubby and crooked. So sad!