Since declaring his candidacy for president last June, Donald Trump has used Twitter to lob insults at presidential candidates, journalists, news organizations, nations, a Neil Young song and even a lectern in the Oval Office. We know this because we’ve read, tagged and quoted them all.–New York Times

Nasty and dopey and failing and failed

Phony, dishonest and ought to be jailed

Disgusting, a liar, a dummy, a hater

Boring, disgraceful, a total third-rater

A zero, incompetent, biased and lazy

All talk and no action, low energy, crazy

Wacky, pathetic, a clown and a choker

Disastrous judgment, a nutjob, a joker.

Irrelevant, stupid, and drowning in debt

Lacking in stamina, covered with sweat

Racist, neurotic and sloppy and bad

Desperate, grubby and crooked. So sad!

 

 

“The rules govern the soil farmers use, farm and food production hygiene, food packaging, food temperatures and even what animals may roam which fields and when.”—A press release from the Trump campaign about repealing the “inspection overkill” by the FDA “Food Police”.

Leave the milk out in the sun

Don’t worry if the chicken’s done

We’ll feed the crowds on red raw meat

Cut the rules down to a tweet.

Stop excessive regulations

On gastropods and on crustaceans.

 

Don’t look at how your laws are made

Or sausages, or lemonade.

Or tacos, tuna salad, franks

(Or pipelines, power plants and banks)

 

We will build a giant wall

Six feet thick and ten feet tall

Negotiate the toughest terms

Keeping out those foreign germs.

Just like we’ll beat Iran and Syria

We’ll win the war against bacteria.

 

Hygiene’s where I take my stand

It’s why I never shake your hand.

And I won’t ever die, because

I get advice from Dr. Oz.

Elect me, people, and I vow:

Your goose is cooked. Just don’t ask how.

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature upgraded the status of the giant panda from “endangered” to “vulnerable” after determining there were 1,864 pandas in the wild, an increase from 1,596 ten years earlier. 

 

Welcome back the Giant Panda!

Poster bear of propaganda.

Raise the flag! Strike up the band! A

Bear with thumbs but not a hand. A

Species making its last stand. A

Thing for once that went as planned! Ah–

If you see a Giant Panda,

On your deck or your verandah

Get out your camera, iPhone and a

Plate of bamboo, fresh or canned. A

Victory for conservation!

By the entire Chinese nation!

Overcoming threats of poaching

Roads and villages encroaching

On their forest habitat

Just too bad we can’t say that

About the lesser stick-necked rat,

The Wondiwoi tree kangaroo

Or the Christmas Island shrew

While the forest elephants

Do their slow extinction dance–

There’s one panda, ripe for seeing

Per four million human beings.

 

“I don’t want to pivot. I don’t want to change.” –Donald Trump

 

Out of the night that covers me

Black as the pit from poll to poll

I thank Fox News and Hannity

For their damage control

.

I’ll hoist myself by my petard

I’ll march to my own drummer

Mock each spastic or retard

And campaign “Dumb and Dumber”

.

I only know one way to roll.

Can only be myself.

And spinning ’round the toilet bowl

Beats sitting on the shelf.

.

So what you’ve seen is what you’ll get

No pivots or reversals

No dialing back, no pirouette

No notes, and no rehearsals.

 

 

So you always wanted a Purple Heart

And now you have one: it’s a start

Is there a particular body part

You’d like to do without?

.

And it must have caused you lifelong scars

When some other kid won more Gold Stars

So you pushed him off the monkey bars

And punched him in the snout.

.

And facing now this new accuser

You have no choice but to abuse her

She lost her kid, so she’s a loser.

That’s what life is all about.

The voters of Britain said phooey.

They’ve had it with being E-U-ey.

Proving that even today

The you-know-who start at Calais.

 

Globalization is hooey.

It’s curries, kabobs and chop suey.

They’d much rather pick at the bones

Of whatever is left of Dow-Jones.

 

Trafalgar-ish or Waterloo-ey

They cling to the past, like a buoy,

Or wrap themselves in it, like flannel,

Safe on their side of the Channel.

 

As Truman was beaten by Dewey

The polls were all mixed up and screwy.

And Europe can just disunite

There’ll always be more wars to fight.

 

 

If you’re a Democratic politician and you really want to stand for LGBT, show real courage and stand up against the vicious ideology that has targeted our fellow Americans for murder.–Sen. Ted Cruz 

We’re putting the G back in GOP

Along with the L and the B and the T

No matter how sinful, how vile and perverted

Your practices are, you won’t be deserted.

Go use the girls’ room, we won’t look askance.

When it comes to bathrooms, we take a wide stance.

And should a terrorist mount an attack

Reach in your tutu for a gun and  shoot back.

 

Congressional Democrats walk out on Paul Ryan’s “moment of silence” for the Orlando terror attack to protest inaction on gun control.

We pause to reflect in a moment of silence

To send you our thoughts and our heartfeltest prayers

To honor the innocent victims of violence

Conveying the message that, yes, Congress cares!

And deeply abhors these deplorable slaughters

Of any constituents’ gay sons and daughters.

With solemn expressions and a catch in our throat

–Which please bear in mind when you go out to vote–

When it comes to compassion, we won’t be outdone.

We’ll all take our stand with the Rainbow Alliance.

And if anyone mentions the guy used a gun

The sound that you’ll hear is a moment of silence.

Will Bernie Sanders be the spoiler

Of Hillary’s campaign?

Will he drag things out to foil her?

Does he want to rain

On what she thought was her parade?

And will he stand athwart–

Throw a bomb or hand grenade–

At her juggernaut?

If Hillary is Princess Leia

Will he be Darth Vader?

Or is he planning to replay a

Scene from Gore Meets Nader?

Will Bernie Sanders be a mensch

Or just a bitter grump?

Throw into the works a wrench

And out comes Donald Trump?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donald Trump said on Fox News Sunday that he did plan to start acting more presidential 

‘You’re going to be so bored, you’re going to say this is the most boring human being I’ve ever interviewed,’ Trump continued. 

‘I think if I act very presidential I’ll be dull, but that will be fine,’ he added.

 

 

Donald Trump is going presidential

Sober, measured, utterly discreet

He will be judicious and prudential

Even when he’s sending off a tweet.

.

Donald Trump will showcase his potential

To turn the other cheek and bow his head.

He’ll be humble, meek and deferential,

Quoting from the Bible by his bed.

.

His speeches will be grave and consequential

And every thought he utters will connect

Nothing hyperbolic or tangential

And every fact will be quadruple checked.

.

Yes, Donald Trump is going presidential

We’ll see a side of Trump we’ve never known.

The one thing to remember that’s essential:

The president he means is Juan Peron.