Donald Trump said on Fox News Sunday that he did plan to start acting more presidential 

‘You’re going to be so bored, you’re going to say this is the most boring human being I’ve ever interviewed,’ Trump continued. 

‘I think if I act very presidential I’ll be dull, but that will be fine,’ he added.

 

 

Donald Trump is going presidential

Sober, measured, utterly discreet

He will be judicious and prudential

Even when he’s sending off a tweet.

.

Donald Trump will showcase his potential

To turn the other cheek and bow his head.

He’ll be humble, meek and deferential,

Quoting from the Bible by his bed.

.

His speeches will be grave and consequential

And every thought he utters will connect

Nothing hyperbolic or tangential

And every fact will be quadruple checked.

.

Yes, Donald Trump is going presidential

We’ll see a side of Trump we’ve never known.

The one thing to remember that’s essential:

The president he means is Juan Peron.

 

 

 

 

 

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On December 19, 1998, the House of Representatives impeached Bill Clinton on two charges related to his extramarital affair with Monica Lewinsky. (The charges were for perjury and obstruction of justice.) The historic vote, and subsequent trial in the Senate, involved the work of three men who were elected Speaker of the House Of Representatives by the Republican majority, Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston and Dennis Hastert.

Almost 17 years later, with the federal indictment of Hastert for illegally concealing up to $3.5 million in hush-money, we finally have a more complete understanding of the men who led this effort.

 

Newty, Bobby and the Coach

Held the country’s sacred trust.

Kept themselves above reproach

As any public servant must.

Untouched by any hint of lust.

.

Denny Hastert, Newt and Bobby

Shared, let’s say, a common thrust.

When the president’s blow-jobby

Predilections were discussed

They were shocked! Appalled! Nonplussed!

.

Bobby, Coachy and the Newt

Now they’ve gone to wrack and rust.

They tasted of forbidden fruit

Their careers have all gone bust.

Sometimes the Universe is just.

Quite a sight, the little Marco

Unleashing mighty zingers

Full of macho, full of snarko

On the length of Donald’s fingers

 

Was this another dirty trick?

Unparalleled in meanness?

Beating with a little stick

Where it hurts? Between us–

 

–Do you think the voters care?

That Marco was a troll?

That Donald likes to overshare

And brag about his… poll.

 

Is this what they’re looking for

In Kansas or Wisconsin?

The Democrats, in ‘64

Had the biggest Johnson

 

Will it play in Peoria?

The party of the Lincoln Log

Seems gripped by some dysphoria

Or lost in moral fog.

 

 

 

New Yorkers pushed back at Cruz on “New York values” 

Start spreading the news:

This Senator Cruz

Is one who eschews

Those liberal views

Those girls with tattoos

In old New York!

.

They don’t play horseshoes,

Don’t have barbecues,

Drink imported booze

In old New York!

.

He’s putting the screws

To guys who say “youse”

Who hondle and schmooze

And never eat pork!

.

Those New York values

He considers suspect:

Does he mean Hindus?

Or some other sect?

Inspired by seeing The Big Short, here is a repost of a Newsverse from 2009:

 

It is an ancient stockbroker

He’s drinking Coke and Jacks.

“Hey, I know you,” the banker said.

“You worked at Goldman Sachs.

.

“You swung a big one, so I heard

Way back in the day.

But here I came to watch the game

And now you’re in my way.”

.

The stockbroker held up a hand

And ordered J&B

He fixed the banker with a stare

“There was a bond,” quoth he.

.

“Something called a CDO

A total sack of doody

But anyway, a Triple-A

From S&P and Moody.”

.

“I fear you, ancient stockbroker!

I fear you’ll get me fired!

You’re in the tank with Barney Frank.

I think you might be wired.”

.

“We flogged it up and down the Street

And lots of other places

And no one thought that what they’d bought

Might blow up in their faces.”

.

“Chill out, ancient stockbroker!

Get up off the floor!

Why look’st thou so?” “That CDO—

I sold to my brother-in-law!

.

“And when the housing boom went bust

I had nowhere to hide.

Instead of a bow, the CDO

Around my neck was tied.

.

“Houses, houses everywhere

And the market sure did stink

Houses, houses everywhere

I had to see a shrink.

.

“And now I go from bar to bar

From Greenwich to Penn Station

And I try to steer, for the price of a beer

Young bankers from temptation.”

.

The banker stared into his glass

“I hope you get some takers,”

He slowly said, then shook his head.

“Now, let me watch the Lakers.”

 Dr. Jonathan Zizmor, famous among New Yorkers for advertising his dermatology practice with subway placards, has retired. 

Dr. Zizmor calls it quits

He will leave us to our zits

Having reached the very acme

In the field of treating acne

Now in golden years desists

From a life of draining cysts.

.

And so for us, our imperfections,

Show up in our rude complexions,

Reflected in the grimy glass

Of the subway rushing past.

Humanity was born in sin

And ever strives for clearer skin.

.

Looking up, we met his calm

Visage, like a holy balm.

He saw us warts and all, our souls

Freckled, wrinkled, full of moles.

God extends to us his gracious

Love, but our vile, sebaceous

Nature clogs our every pore.

Salvation came from Doc Zizmor.

.

Sing we then the Doc’s doxology:

A hymn to subway dermatology.

Zizmor never chose to answer

The call to seek a cure for cancer,

Hypertension or dementia,

Would find him mostly in absentia.

He fought the other things that blight us–

Psoriasis and dermatitis–

And lived a life of humble, simple

Service fighting every pimple.

Hark, the music of the spheres,

To which we dance, to mark the years–

As this year’s song begins its coda,

Let’s all boogie down with Yoda.

And celebrate (within sane limits)

2015’s fifteen minutes.

.

At midnight let each aging Boomer

Get a kiss from Amy Schumer,

Pass a shrimp or canape

To Taylor Swift or Tina Fey,

Or share a glass of something bubbly

With someone rugged, manly, stubbly–

David Beckham, Bradley Cooper–

Not to be a party pooper

A certain Vermont socialist

Whose name I see here on the list,

Will speak from twelve to half-past one,

–Adding to the frantic fun

The general frivolity–

On income inequality.

.

So pour a punch and fill the urn.

It’s thirsty when you Feel the Bern.

And tip your homburg or sombrero

To Caitlyn Jenner, American Pharoah,

Jeff Bezos and Serena Williams,

Mark Zuckerberg and all his billions.

On the rocks pour out four fingers

Of vodka for Kristaps Porzingis

He is very nearly tall

Enough to dunk the Times Square ball.

Mix Manhattans by the gallon

For Adele and Jimmy Fallon,

And toss the maraschino cherry

At former Texas gov, Rick Perry.

.

With a quote from Janet Yellen

Toast your favorite Wall Street felon.

We’re proposing Martin Shkreli,

Mr.-Profiteering-Pharma,

Sorry, fella, it’s your karma:

If you wake up with a belly-

Ache, tomorrow, feeling dismal,

We’ll pour you out a Pepto-Bismol.

Drink it down, and then refill!

We’re sending you a giant bill.

.

And for 2015’s sequel

Let us hope that we are equal

To that which history will task us:

Saving those who flee Damascus,

Making sure that black lives matter,

Helping others up the ladder

That leads them out of deprivation.

And live in peace with all creation