He strides through each debate and forum

Beating on his culture-war drum

Pledged to shield each human spore from

Condom-bearing thugs.

It’s your moment, Rick Santorum!

Every fetus must adore him.

Why did we so long ignore him?

Give him props, not shrugs!

If you don’t want some slutty bimbo

Adding to the souls in limbo

Then it’s time to turn to him, Bo-

dacious womb defender!

As decreed from Up Above

He’ll assure each act of love

Is a sacred moment of

Procreative splendor.

And when black helicopters fly

Darkening the midwest sky

And those UN soldiers try

To force us on the pill.

Who’ll wield the flag of Fetus Nation?

Fight the war for implantation?

Carry it to full gestation?

Rick Santorum will.