I always wanted to do one of these.  With apologies to Roger Angell and Ian Frazier.  

Our weary planet’s never-ending

Trip around the Sun, now trending

Toward its yearly consummation

Beckons us to contemplation.

And ere we start another journey,

Roll 2012 out on a gurney,

Pause a moment to recall–

The year that brought the world Ron Paul

The guy who does the gangnam dance

Jong-un, Kim and Armstrong, Lance.

All who won’t be over-sore-missed–

A list that starts with Grover Norquist

Including every billionaire

Who claims he’s paying his fair share:

He’s just another ordinary

Working stiff, Tom, Dick or Harry.

Like Warren Buffet’s secretary.


Before we all get good and plastered

Toast every poor misguided bastard,

Civic nuisance, blowhard, clown

From Lindsay Lohan down, and down.

Pour Karl Rove some warm Champagne!

Cold pizza pie for Herman Cain–

With anchovies and pepperoni–

For Papa John and Berlusconi.

Raise a glass of flat Prosecco

To Aflac’s duck and Geico’s gecko.

We will offer up no thanks

For shockjocks with their stupid pranks

Or generals, who on their swords fell

Into bed with Paula Broadwell.


Sing “Call Me Maybe” acapella

Serve eggnog spiked with salmonella

To Bashar Hafez al-Assad.

Hoist him by his own petard

And let’s hope he comes down hard

In Ahmedinejad’s  backyard.


Build a roaring, crackling fire

To warm a climate-change denier

Some guy, maybe, like George Will

Raise a glass to him! Refill

With water from a melting glacier

Garnished with a dead acacia

One part gin to two parts bile

A lump of anthracite. The style

Is drink it with a splash of doubt

Holding your left pinkie out

One’s enough to get Charles Kraut-

Hammered. Then refill the glasses

To the brim with greenhouse gases.


Standing near an Unskewed Pollster

Grab a cap-gun from your holster

Point it at that fellow there–

The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre!

Fire off a nice loud round

Watch the guests all hit the ground

Oh, and that guy with the hair

Reminds me of a billionaire.

Wait, it must be Donald Trump!

Boy that really made him jump

He spilled his drink on David Koch

(Insert here Tea-Party joke.)