(Apologies to Tennessee Ernie Ford and Johnny Cash)
Some people say a man’s made to hold up a mop
A poor man’s made to sell fish sticks and pop
Fish sticks and pop and lightbulbs and rugs
Aluminum foil and generic drugs.
I was born one morning between Pet Toys and Food
Put on my apron and a bad attitude
I sold sixteen cans of French-cut green beans
A bottle of Windex and a pair of blue jeans.
You sell sixteen cans, and what do you know?
You gotta put out shovels ‘cause it’s starting to snow.
St. Peter if you call me, you’d better be quick
If I’m gonna die I can’t afford to be sick.
I was born one morning on the loading dock
Crawled to the toy aisle and I started to stock
I sold sixteen sets of bobblehead elves
And the manager told me, better straighten those shelves
You sell sixteen cans, and who woulda thunk
The world could find a place for any more of this junk.
St. Peter don’t you call me ‘cause I can’t come
I’ve got to shave a nickel off a package of gum.