Welcome, friends and lovers all

To the Newsverse Christmas ball

Hop a bus or Citibike

Grab a cab or hitch a hike

There’ll be lots of caviar

The Rolling Stones, an open bar,

Pills and drugs, so get here pronto

Rob Ford is coming from Toronto.


Let us all, from both New Yorks,

Open bottles, pop the corks

On a pinot grigio

For Mayor Bill di Blasio

Twitter and its IPO

And Pope Jorge Bergoglio!

Let’s inscribe upon papyrus

Greetings warm to Miley Cyrus!

Any minute she’ll start twerking

And who’s that in the corner lurking?

Is it David Frum, or Brooks?

Casting nervous sideways looks?

Want to party, fear to lose

Their neckties, glasses, jackets, shoes…

Or is it they can’t bear to shed

Their stuffy fogey old-guy cred?

Come on fellas, take a break!

Join us in the Harlem Shake.

And welcome to our friendly circle

Edward Snowden, Angela Merkel–

We didn’t get her Repondez

But, credit to the NSA,

We know she’s coming anyway.

Set out milk, a plate of strudel

For Santa Claus’s quick canoodle

With Megyn Kelly! These occasions

Have deep meaning to Caucasians,

Although, frankly, call me crazy

I think she’s got her eye on Jay-Z.

The duck-call guy with the bushy beard

Wandered off and disappeared

Holding hands with Elton John.

Everybody, get it on!

Not one to let ill-feelings fester

John Boehner’s having a sequester

Hiding in the darkest shadow

On a couch with Rachel Maddow.

So let us give much-needed love

To the folks at Healthcare-gov

And shower some Obamacare

On a lonely billionaire.