Ripped from the headlines, the news from Newsverse:

Humanity’s progress has gone in reverse.

As bad as things are, they can only get worse.

We’ve analyzed data with methods statistical

Consulted with oracles, ancient and mystical

Compiling our Newsverse Anxiety Listicle:

Inflation, deflation, the interest-rate spread–

Whatever that is–there’s a risk that the Fed

Might keep it too low, or raise it instead.

Droughts from Los Angeles halfway to Texas

Floods in Ohio and polar vortexes.

Freezing us down to our solar perplexus.

You’re searching for truth but you live in a buyer’s

Market for lies in a world filled with liars

Hypocrites, sellouts and climate deniers.

Film at 11 of Cops Dumb and Dumber

It’s never too late for a long and hot summer.

Stuck like a record on some old Victrola:

Israel and Gaza. The Ukraine. Ebola.

Whosis and Whatsis and ISIS and dreading

Ritual stoning and death by beheading.