Louisiana’s new fetal personhood bill—which House Republicans just voted out of committee 7–2—makes abortion a crime of homicide “from the moment of fertilization” and allowing prosectors to charge patients with murder.

Well this really hits a high note

From now on, each little zygote

Microscopic, Lilliputian,

Is exempt from persecution,

Has the rights the Constitution

Grants to all, without dilution.

.

Life, it seems, is where you find it

And nobody ought to mind it

If the government goes looking

Inside of you, to see what’s cooking.

.

Still somehow it makes me squirm

To think we’re not protecting sperm

Overcome with shame and guilt

At that waste of human milt

All those quarts of semen spilt.

.

Damnation’s sure, and it’s eternal

For every instance of nocturnal

Emission or of masturbation 

That doesn’t lead to procreation.

And so we must restore the quondam

Laws prohibiting a condom.