Louisiana’s new fetal personhood bill—which House Republicans just voted out of committee 7–2—makes abortion a crime of homicide “from the moment of fertilization” and allowing prosectors to charge patients with murder.

Well this really hits a high note

From now on, each little zygote

Microscopic, Lilliputian,

Is exempt from persecution,

Has the rights the Constitution

Grants to all, without dilution.


Life, it seems, is where you find it

And nobody ought to mind it

If the government goes looking

Inside of you, to see what’s cooking.


Still somehow it makes me squirm

To think we’re not protecting sperm

Overcome with shame and guilt

At that waste of human milt

All those quarts of semen spilt.


Damnation’s sure, and it’s eternal

For every instance of nocturnal

Emission or of masturbation 

That doesn’t lead to procreation.

And so we must restore the quondam

Laws prohibiting a condom.