Officer, you’re very right

I almost ran that traffic light

I drank a beer out on my stoop

I didn’t pick up my dog’s poop

I never should have put my feet

On that empty subway seat.

You are quite correct to point out

You saw me when I threw that joint out.

But your arm’s around my throat.

May I request that you take note:

I can’t breathe.


Major, I confess it all

I joined al-Qaeda’s basketball

Team with Khalid sheikh Mohammed

They called me Atomic Ahmed.

By the precepts of Shariah,

With the help of North Korea,

During practices we planned

To plant bombs in Disneyland,

Tulsa, Phoenix and Chicago,

Jersey City, Tampa, Fargo.

Smuggle in Ebola virus

Kidnap Sting and Miley Cyrus

Behead them live on Morning Joe.

Now I’ve told you all I know

Is it safe for me to go?

You have helped me see the error

Of my ways in spreading terror.

I don’t expect a big reward

But tied down to this waterboard

I can’t breathe.


Doctor, help me, I can’t sleep

The world’s a moral rubbish heap

Life is just a long sick joke.

I try to laugh. Instead I choke.

And I can’t breathe.