Now, its orbit nearly done,
This lonely third rock from the Sun,
Spinning on its frozen ass
Around the center of its mass,
Approaches, in the Nick of time,
The Newsverse Year-End Christmas rhyme.
Give all who ride this sorry sphere
Popcorn, silly hats and beer.
And with a soulful Yuletide chorus
Usher out 12 months of tsuris.
If you’ve had enough of death,
Put your hands down, take a breath,
Follow what the Buddha said:
Keep your cool and keep your head.
For which, it seems, the best advice is
Don’t go near Iraq or ISIS.
Let all bygones bygones be
And underneath the Christmas tree
Leave a puppy or a pony
For our friends who toil at Sony.
Let spirits soar and voices lift
For Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift,
Janet Yellen, Derek Jeter,
And the Vicar of St. Peter.
Let wine pour like summer rain
In the glasses of Ukraine
And send those Russian oligarchs
Floating off aboard their arks.
Serve caviar from Russ & Daughters
To a Doctor Without Borders,
Keeping him just out of reach,
Toast him with a glass of bleach.
Join up at a Cuban gastro-
Pub for beers with Raul Castro.
And here’s a fun game we can play:
Taliban and CIA!
You play it on a waterboard,
And when the answers all are scored
It doesn’t matter what you said
We keep on playing ‘till you’re dead.
To those who ask us to eschew it:
It isn’t torture when we do it!
So raise a glass to our great nation!
Pour Dick Cheney a libation
Via rectal rehydration.
And mark these words of Tiny Tim’s–
God bless us everyone! The Kims:
Dotcom, Kardashian, Jong-un.
He looks like he could use some fun.
It would be a joke to dare
To set fire to his hair.
Or sit him down on his commode
And make him watch his head explode.