At Newsverse we treat every creed

With utter sensitivity

We don’t make fun of Jews for greed

Or Quakers for passivity.


Newsverse wouldn’t mock or jeer

A Satanist or Druid

We hold all religions dear

Even if they’re stupid.


Faith gives the weary soul relief:

The explanation for men’s

Suspension of their disbelief.

We’re looking at you, Mormons.


Go ahead and teach your kid

That God is in the bread.

Just be careful, God forbid,

That you might bite His head.


Dance a sacred harvest dance

To your totem or kachina.

You can pray to elephants

Or some deus ex machina


Or go and worship, if you wish

The trees, the Moon, the Sun

The monkey god, the sacred fish,

Thor or Zeus or Kim Jong-un.


Newsverse honors all those gods

Along with all the others

And never wants to be at odds

With our Islamic brothers.


So join hands for this Newsverse hymn:

God keep us from impurity!

The Prophet, peace be unto him!

We’re beefing up security.