“I’m for Mitt Romney.”–George W. Bush, issuing a four-word presidential endorsement as he got on an elevator.

Breviousness is the soul of wit.

Compared to some Ivy League snob

I’m endorsifying Mitt.

He’d do a heck of a job.

You know where Mitt Romney stands

He stands in the path of progressing.

Leadership is in his glands.

I’m giving him my blessing.

He’s got compassion for the wifes

Of working men and women

And hopes and dreams of better lifes

To which they won’t not give in.

In newspapers and in the press

They excruciate him.

They hate his successfulness.

Misunderestimate him

Mitt’s a man that’s Mormonistic,

And I oppose those who exploit

Religion, or because his daddy ran a big autistic

Company in Detroit.

J.P. Morgan Trader ‘London Whale’ Blows $13 billion Hole in Bank’s Value.”–Headline in The Guardian

Deeper and deeper with a flick of his tail

Into the risk pool plunges the Whale

They call him a killer, and he’s gonna kill

He’s got a position in Antarctic krill

He weighs forty tons and he’s too big to fail.

You’ll see him again when he’s eaten his fill.

With options and futures he’s minimized risk

He’s got a masters from Stanford in Pisc-

Atorial Finance. So what could go wrong?

He’s short August herring while everyone’s long.

Whales, unlike shrimp, never land in the bisque.

He’s piling up blubber, his balance sheet’s strong.

He lives and he dies by the law of the tank:

The big fish eat small ones. A lot like a bank.

And thus evolution has favored the whale

And the vampire squid, growing too big to fail.

Nature is stronger than even Dodd-Frank.

And as for Paul Volcker, just call him Ishmael.

It is well known that in recent times that through the Internet many serious family-related problems have been created, and it all happens because of it, and something must be done so they won’t be hurt.–Ultra-Orthodox rabbis promoting a rally against the Internet at New York’s Citi Field on May 20.  According to news reports, only men will be allowed to attend.

Oh I don’t look at women when they walk by on the street,

My overcoat stays buttoned in the height of summer’s heat.

I don’t watch any videos that show Mariah Carey,

I wear a furry hat and grow my beard out full and hairy.

I live a life of rectitude and ultra-orthodoxy

And never go to nightclubs like the Tunnel or the Roxy

Or Tweet or Skype or Yahoo with a woman named “@Foxy.”

I follow the commandments, like the one forbidding email

With dirty jokes or pictures to an unrelated female

Below the age of 60, except by dispensation

From a rabbi who is learned in the laws on masturbation.

The sages have forearmed us, we can now download a psalm

That blocks us from accessing BabesofBensonhurst.com

No telling what could happen if you let your women Google

When they should be in the kitchen with a tzimmes or a kugel

Around here desperate housewives keep their desperation hidden

And freedom’s just another word for everything forbidden

For every single mom who feels heartbroken when she has to explain to her kids that she needs to take a second job … for grandparents who can’t afford the gas to visit their grandchildren … for the mom and dad who never thought they’d be on food stamps …A better America begins tonight.–Mitt Romney

The Etch-a-Sketch is shaken, the pivot has begun

The red meat gets sent back until it’s slightly better done.

The word goes out by email to all surrogates and minions

Rendering revisions of all previous opinions

Walking back the comments that were only meant to pander

Staking out the higher ground, where everything is blander

Running to the center and abandoning the fringes

Swinging like a screen door back and forth on busted hinges

Nodding to the folks on whom reality impinges

Scrambling toward the middle where the crackpots needn’t follow.

Proving that a stuffed shirt doesn’t mean you aren’t hollow.

And just in case you’re wondering, the news is that His Hairness

Is running as the candidate of economic fairness.

And to that mom and dad who never thought they’d one day need

Food stamps for their family, well, the candidate took heed

Of your situation, and it’s you he’s fighting for:

If he gets elected, you won’t have them any more.

Dover, DE – Newt 2012 announced today that Hans Reigle, Chairman of the Kent County Republican Party, is switching his support from Mitt Romney to Newt Gingrich. 

When everyone around is in a panic

Rushing for the exits and the boats

That’s when you should swim for the Titanic

Grab hold of a candidate who floats.

Load your gun! It’s high noon, bells are chiming

Gather your advisers and your pollster

Politics is all about the timing

Shoot before you take it from the holster.

When sharks are circling Newt’s blood in the water

And even penguins seem to sense his fate

Now’s the time to volunteer for slaughter

Maybe you can be his running mate.

We now support the modern usage of hopefully: it’s hoped, we hope. –Tweet from the AP Stylebook, April 19. 

Sliding down that slippery slopefully

In the darkness, grasping gropefully

For a handhold or a rope. Fully

Cognizant and well aware

Of the power of despair.

It isn’t hope that springs eternal

Hope is doled out by the kernel

Watered by our soft nocturnal

Tears and shadowed by our sins.

Hopefully, the stylebook wins.

I am the Wicked Son.

I know enough to ask but the answer means nothing to me.

If I were there I would not have been redeemed.

I would be packing mud-bricks with my bare hands for fucking ever.

Waving goodbye to the rest as they walked into the desert.

Write when you get to Jerusalem, guys.  I’ll be here, even if it takes you 40 years.

No manna for me!

On the other hand, no matzoh.  It’s a trade-off.

But at least I would know

I was not redeemed

With the life of a first-born child.

Therefore, everybody is in the market; therefore you can make people buy broccoli?–Justice Antonin Scalia, during arguments over the individual mandate in the Affordable Care Act.

Attention shoppers! In aisle 3,

Adjacent to the halal meat,

Ten pound bags of broccoli!

Make sure you get a tax receipt.

Your kids will shower you with plaudits.

They love broccoli, and each

Stalk protects you from tax audits

When you serve that giant quiche.

Trained forensic dieticians

Are on hand to help you fill

Your quota of approved nutritions

As set forth in the health-care bill.

As you exit, on your way out

Have your ID handy, or

Please display your brussels sprout

To the agent at the door.

Facing down that awful fate

One man is bold enough to state

“You shall not cruciferate

Mankind on a golden plate.

Or on his fevered brow impale

This crown of broccoli and kale.”

TALLAHASSEE — The death of an unarmed 17-year-old and a police department’s reluctance to charge or arrest the neighborhood watch captain who shot him has stoked a national debate about a 2005 Florida law at the center of the case. The “stand your ground” law …  allows people to use deadly force in cases of self-defense when they believe their life is at risk … Previously, Floridians outside of their home, workplace or car were required to use every reasonable means available to avoid danger before using deadly force. –Tampa Bay Times, March 21.

Stand your ground. Stand your ground!

Chamber in another round!

Some guy sitting in the mall

May seem innocent and all

But what looks like a Cinnabon

In his hand might be a gun.

Better not to take a chance.

Look! He’s starting to advance!

Heading for the Sunglass Hut

Keep him in your sight!  That nut

Thinks he won’t be recognized

When he comes out in disguise.

Safest to assume the worst

Pull your piece and get him first

Assume position by this trash bin.

Cover me, I’m going in.

Stand your ground, stand your ground

If some kid is hanging ‘round

Looks as if he might harass you

Walks behind but doesn’t pass you

Ask yourself: are you in danger?

From this violent hooded stranger?

If you answer yes, or “maybe,”

Some momma’s gonna lose her baby.

“The thing I find most disheartening of this campaign is the difficulty of talking about large ideas on a large scale, because the news media can’t cover it and candidly, my opponents can’t comprehend it.”–Newt Gingrich, March 14.

When large ideas just aren’t getting traction

And grand proposals somehow don’t bear fruit

Then you want the right-wing man of action

The guy who wears your party’s biggest suit.

He’s always had the media’s attention

Especially when he pokes them in the snoot.

It helps create some strong dramatic tension.

And casts him as a lovable old coot.

If you think a lunar base is neat-o

And maybe we should have one too on Pluto

Choose the guy who’s munching on a Frito

The one who casts a shadow big as Bluto.

Ever since they locked up Galileo

And Socrates was given hemlock root

Though maybe he should cut down on the mayo

There’s no one else whose mind is so acute.

When no one seems to get the vision thing which

Renders all your little concepts moot

Then you know it’s time to turn to Gingrich.

The biggest thinker out there now is Newt.