‘I’m Being Indicted for You’: Trump Casts Himself as Evangelical Martyr at Conference

DON 3:16

For Don so loved the world

He’s such an amazing guy!

His MAGA flag unfurled

Means you don’t have to die!

He’s facing an indictment

Arraignment and arrest

For treasonous incitement.

And thus we all are blessed.

Think upon His sacrifice

And try to pay him back

Donate once, or even twice

To his SuperPAC. 

He’s the King, the Prince, the Boss

Accept Him as your Savior

Follow Him, take up the Cross

And learn to hate thy neighbor.

Blessed are the winners,

Who never turn a cheek

I’m not opposed to sinners.

But fuck the poor and meek.

Burning and burning in the burgeoning fire

Tumbling like socks in the world’s biggest dryer

Trees turn to ashes and ash to miasma,

Filling the air and inflaming your asthma.

Blood-dimmed and mud-rimmed the dome of the sky

Refracting the sunlight. Here’s mud in your eye!

(And dust up your nose and grit on your tongue

Your mouth and your throat and down deep in your lung)

As the blind man was healed by the Lord’s holy spit

Perhaps we will see how the world’s gone to shit. 

Georgia GOP Chair Goes Full Flat-Earth, Says Globes Are Part of a Conspiracy

As is written in the Bible,

God created solid ground

For man to stand on. It’s a libel

To say He made it round.

.

Some truths you just can’t caveat

Absolute and permanent

Earth is and always will be flat

Underneath the firmament. 

.

Those who push the sphere agenda

Are secretly in thrall

To the trans and queer agenda

To make the world a ball. 

.

To make us think that up is down

Reduce us to passivity

In which we all will sink and drown

In moral relativity. 

.

A conspiracy of Globalists

The Rothschilds or George Soros

All those so-called Nobelists

Promote the ouroboros.

Stand your ground! Stand your ground!

Chamber in another round!

That kid who’s standing on your steps

Isn’t here from UPS

His eyes are filled with rage and hate.

And besides, it’s half-past eight.

While you’re busy watching Tucker,

Just ignore the little fucker.

Or wait a second, take a look — he’s

Got a box of Girl Scout cookies!

What a pervert! What a queer!

I didn’t think they had those here!

It’s all part of Biden’s plans

Of turning the whole country trans.

I read somewhere those cookies may

Contain a drug that turns you gay.

Or worse, a scheme to hide the vax

By putting it inside your snacks.

So better not to take a chance!

Shoot first then check his underpants.

Put a stop to woke insanity,

Just in time to turn on Hannity.

Stormy Daniels has the nation’s gratitude

As she’s faced down endless scorn and strife

She pulled it off with sass and style and attitude

For the longest 90 seconds of her life.

.

We know that she’s had to make a tradeoff

She’s endured a Tweetstorm of attack.

But even so, she managed to get paid off

For those 90 seconds in the sack.

.

She wasn’t just some welfare-check collector

She employed her talent and her knack.

She worked within the … ahem … private sector

But she won’t get those 90 seconds back.

.

So Trump it seems will have to pay the piper

No wonder if he’s feeling kind of nervous

Sometime soon he’ll have to change his diaper

Stormy Daniels, thank you for your service.

A parent in Utah is asking to include the Bible on its list of books to be banned from school libraries, calling it “one of the most sex-ridden books around.”

.

Just when I thought I was born again

Trying real hard to believe

Here comes the Bible with porn again:

Making me lust after Eve.

.

The Bible has parts that are dirty

And others that just make you squirm

Just check out Genesis 30,*

Or Onan, who spilled out his sperm.

.

Sodom was the scene of a slaughter,

But God singled Lot out to save

For offering strangers his daughter

And fucking her then in a cave.

.

The Good Book is just a big snow job

The stories are crude and salacious:

King Solomon’s Song to a blow job,**

A psalm that is clearly fellatious.

.

Isaiah cried loud in the wasteland

A prophecy wrenched from the heart

He loosened his cloak and his waistband

So he could let loose with a fart.***

…

.*And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

 And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.

 And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.

.**Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.

.***Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.(16:11)

“

“We know the answers, it’s no big surprise

Considering the media only prints lies

The whole phony story about Chinese spies

Was meant to confuse us. It’s all a disguise.”

.

“This isn’t some crazy conspiracy theory

Mysterious objects appearing to hover

Over Alaska. It sounds pretty eerie.

Except that we all know it’s only a cover.”

.

“There is ancient Egyptian papyrus

Predicting that someday an alien race

Has plans to destroy us, using a virus

Packed in balloons and launched into space.”

.

“Sources are saying the Jewish space laser

Is aimed at our country, so we can’t be wimps

This is a clear case to use Occam’s Razor

To puncture the lies and bring down the blimps.”

.

“I’m just asking questions, but I’ve got a brain.

The only solution is building a wall,

From British Columbia right through to Maine

Three thousand miles long, and fifteen miles tall.”

.

“We know the truth about what is aboard

The ‘objects.’ Ask yourself, what is it worth

To see Donald Trump to the White House restored

When JFK Jr. comes back to Earth?”

According to The Atlantic, Republicans’ only plan for getting rid of Donald Trump is to hope for him to die.

Oh Lord, we beseech thee and ask for Thy blessing,

We’ve got a problem You should be addressing:

Our party’s in danger of having a spinout. 

The candidate field is in need of a thin out.

And if You wonder for whom the bell tolls

Please take a moment to look at these polls

And then in Your goodness, start growing a lump

On something vital in Donald J. Trump.

He eats only burgers and drinks Diet Coke

God knows what’s in them. (You get the joke.)

Somewhere I read they can give you a stroke

Or catch in your windpipe and cause you to choke.

I’ll send you a diagram and mark with a spot,

The place where we’d like You to send down a clot.

Lord in Your bounteous wisdom and mercy

Check out his golf course, someplace in Jersey.

His red hat is easy to see from above

And in Your Glory, your limitless love

That is a signal to do what You do

You know the saying, “a bolt from the blue”?

Or, with your infinite power and reach,

Do it the next time that you’re in Palm Beach.

Lord hear our prayer, let it be Thy will

To help out Republicans here on the Hill

It’s not asking much, you just have to kill

Donald J. Trump, and send him the bill.

Japanese company rolls out whale-meat vending machines.

Hey there, Japanese landlubber,

Time to chow down on some blubber!

Every part, from tongue to tail,

Is delicious on a whale.

Our handy whale-o-matic

Is the place for treats aquatic

Roasts or chops of blue or fin:

Make your choice and dig right in!

There’s beluga, sperm or killer

Sausages (made without filler).

Stuff yourself like John Belushi!

With a plate of humpback sushi!

You can even get a porpoise

Burger, or filet of orcas.

If you’ve a taste for fried baleen

It’s right here in this neat machine

For dessert, enjoy a lick

Of a frozen Moby Stick,

Or try the latest taste sensation—

Frozen pumpkin-spiced cetacean!

So hurry down and bring some yen

Our prices won’t be seen again!

Or, to be precise, succinct:

Eat them before they go extinct. 

Come all who ride this lonely sphere

This ball of green and blue.

Deliverance is almost here,

From you-know-what and you-know-who. 

.

The world, while spinning on its ass,

Blanketed by greenhouse gas,

Following its destined path,

Passed twelve months. Just do the math!

So join our gay community

We’re granting you immunity.

Our party will be hotsy-totsy!

Dress up as your favorite Nazi.

The theme is post-apocalypto

We take cash or cards. No crypto.

Have a ball, let down your masks.

Drain your flagons and your flasks!

Hoist a cocktail of Paxlovid

It will keep you safe from Covid.

Three parts gin to one part zinc

Makes a tasty, healthful drink.

Good for toasting Dr. Oz.

Try not to snort it up your schnozz

Or spill it on your shirt or vest

At the thought of Kanye West.

As the day gives way to dusk

Give a thought to Elon Musk,

Sitting lonely on the shitter,

Hear the flush: It must be Twitter.

Trumpets blare and raise a loud noise!

It’s a riot by the Proud Boys!

Holy moly, jeepers creepers!

Great to see you all, Oath Keepers!

Three-percenters, vote deniers,

QAnoners and Big Liars!

Come on in, there’s lots of space, you

Know we won’t let Jews replace you!

And in the spirit of the season

We will try you all for treason.